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-   -   The Onion: Bruins Sign Future Flyers All Star (http://hfboards.hockeysfuture.com/showthread.php?t=251192)

Dr Love 05-11-2006 02:23 PM

The Onion: Bruins Sign Future Flyers All Star


BOSTON—The Bruins agreed to terms Monday with 2005 second-round draft pick Petr Kalus, signing him to a three-year contract that NHL insiders predict will be just long enough for Kalus to evolve into an All-Star-caliber player before his inevitable trade to the perennial playoff contender Philadelphia Flyers.


Over his three years in Boston, Kalus is expected to endure a brief stint in the minors, be called up by the cellar-dwelling Bruins, battle a series of avoidable minor injuries, get traded for two draft picks and a player to be named later to Philadelphia, and begin his run at being named MVP in 2009, 2010, and 2013.

BringBackStevens 05-11-2006 02:34 PM


GKJ 05-11-2006 02:39 PM

20 bucks says this actually happens

bodangleroo28 05-11-2006 02:42 PM

dont get it at all

MiamiScreamingEagles 05-11-2006 05:14 PM


Originally Posted by flyer6
dont get it at all

The Onion spoofs events. I think they are saying the Bruins' will deal him like Samsonov, Thornton, etc.

mercury 05-11-2006 06:05 PM

And Parent. :yo: And not re-signing Knuble, etc.

Steve L* 05-11-2006 06:25 PM

The only thing thats missing is that the medical miss misdiagnose multiple concussions and sinus infections. Then Id have beleived it! :D

FlyersFanJS 05-12-2006 10:25 AM

:biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh:

Terrier 05-12-2006 02:35 PM

As a Bruins fan, all I can say is that The Onion hit the nail on the head. Things got so bad up here this season that someone posted GM Mike O'Connell on eBay(read item below). By the way, for what it's worth, I'm a regular at Boston University games, and I did a fair amount of pre-game imbibing with Freddy Meyer's relatives. They're great folks, and I was happy to see Freddy as a regular on the big club.

From Boston Herald gossip page, March 14:

O’Connell cross-checked

We’re guessing it was the Sergei Samsonov trade that pushed Bruins fans over the edge. Because someone has posted for sale on eBay “The Inept Boston Bruins GM Mike O’Connell.”

As of yesterday, the high bid for old Mike was a measly 28 bucks. But perhaps it’s the description of the “item for sale” that’s holding bidders back.

“Buyer Beware,” reads the eBay synopsis. “As Mike O’Connell can lead to serious conditions such as Violent Head Shaking in reaction to his never-ending stupid and senseless trades and Extreme Dizziness from going around and around in circles of subpar to mediocre over and over again.”

As an added bonus the seller, jon7780ub, throws in “at no cost to you . . . Jeremy ‘Scrooge’ Jacobs.”

Of course, we don’t need to tell you that the Bruins alienated a huge chunk of their fandom by trading two of their most popular players, Samsonov and, before that, Joe Thornton. Nonetheless, the team looks to finish the season out of the playoffs. Again.

But perhaps jon7780ub put it best.

“Here are some things you need to know before purchasing: 12/13 seasons in charge of Hockey Operations; six seasons as GM/vice president of the Boston Bruins; two seasons as vice president of the Boston Bruins; five seasons as assistant GM . . . 1 playoff round victory in a decade-plus. Not a Cup. Not a conference championship . . . Absolutely pathetic.

“You can train a circus monkey and he would have more success then this fool.”

The seller also notes that Jacobs bought the team in 1974. “Last Stanley Cup 1972 You do the math.”

The Bruins peeps didn’t want to comment but are believed to be contacting eBay to have the “item” removed.

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