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Quellet The Dogs Out 01-29-2004 01:02 AM

"Place of Dreams"
 
Hey Guys-
For my "academic writing honors" class in school, haha we have to write a 2-4 page paper every night and tonight's assignment was to write a descriptive essay on a public place. Low and behold, I chose the Wachovia Center, because I thought it'd be pretty easy, and it was...So I thought you guys would be interested in what I said. Please lemme know what you think and any suggestions you may have.

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Title: "Place of Dreams"

I can remember the questions I asked on my Dad on my first trip down to the new building located at the intersection of 11th & Pattison Streets. Questions like “How big is it?” or “What does it look like?” or “Is it nice?” filtered through the car on the clear and chilly Saturday night that was October 5th, 1996. Eight of us were piled into my Dad’s striking red Ford Expedition to see the Philadelphia Flyers face off against the Florida Panthers, in the inaugural game at the then called CoreStates Center, which is now the Wachovia Center. Even though the magnificent Wachovia Center was brand new at the time, the hopes and dreams of the fans and players alike at the Spectrum were still very much in attendance.
After we gave the parking attendant our powder blue VIP parking stub, we pulled into a luxuriously wide parking space, and proceeded to enter the building. With orange Flyers flags flapping in the wind outside, we opened the glass doors to the arena and were immediately greeted with heat blowing into our faces. Right away we could hear the screaming vendors “Programmmmsss,” and “Get your Flyers merchandise!” The light pink and gray marble floors, along with walls and stands coated in a plastic silver glistened in my eyes.
Something to eat and a program were the prerequisites to go to the seats. With such a wide variety of entrees and snacks alike, decision making were tough. I decided to go with a Domino’s personal pan pizza that was presented in an ornate red, white, and blue box instead of an inviting Philly cheese steak with peppers and onions. One cannot forget the 20 oz. Pepsi in the stadium cup that was decorated with Flyers logo holograms that danced in my eyes.
As I walked through the hallway that read “Sec. 113 | 114,” I began to feel the excitement and joy that the whole arena population seemed to possess. I was greeted by an usher that quickly showed me the way to my extremely plush magenta colored seat. The gigantic video screen mesmerized me while I finished off the last of my pizza. The sweet aroma of cotton candy and popcorn filled my section, and I was ready to go. Suddenly, the lights grew dim and a spectacular light, video, laser, and fireworks show enchanted the hearts of all Flyers fans, with flashbacks of the Spectrum still in the front of our minds.
The dropping of the puck in the game symbolized a few things. The first was turning the dream of Flyers chairman Ed Snider and President Bob Clarke into a reality. Secondly, it represented the ending of an era in Philadelphia sports history that was the Spectrum. The fans now get to enjoy all of the amenities and luxuries of a first-class arena, while living the dream of bringing a Stanley Cup down Broad St.

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Thanks!

Nikkowar 01-29-2004 02:46 AM

That's really nice! :handclap: :yo:

FearTheFlyers 01-29-2004 03:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PizzapieZeppelin18
That's really nice! :handclap: :yo:


Rails 01-29-2004 04:03 AM

There is one grammatical error; you don't punctuate your own title. That is one thing my junior year english teacher stressed.

Questions like “How big is it?” or “What does it look like?” or “Is it nice?” filtered through the car on the clear and chilly Saturday night <b>of</b> October 5th, 1996.

<i>After we gave the parking attendant our powder blue VIP parking stub, we pulled into a luxuriously wide parking space, and proceeded to enter the building.</i>
No comma is needed before and. Proceeded to enter the building is not an independent thought and could not be a sentence as it is. It is not a a part of a series either.

"The light pink and gray marble floors, along with walls and stands coated in a plastic silver glistened in my eyes." A comma between silver and glistened.
<i>The light pink and gray marble floors, along with walls and stands coated in a plastic silver<b>,</b> glistened in my eyes.</i> Along with the walls and stands coated in plastic silver is one of those phrases that is extra to the sentence and is enclosed in commas. For example, "John's hair, which is naturally blonde, is brown" could simply be "John's hair is brown."

"Something to eat and a program were the prerequisites to go to the seats." Maybe try, <i>"Precursors to finding my seat were a stop at the concessions stand and tracking down a program."</i> A prerequisite, defined by dictionary.com, is a Required or necessary as a prior condition. Getting those objects is not a necessary step to go to your seat. A precursor (One that precedes another; a forerunner or predecessor) would be a better choice as a word in my opinion.

"The dropping of the puck in the game symbolized a few things." It still symbolizes a few things. Also, I don't believe that things is the right word. I can't think of a word now, but things isn't doesn't seem right. Maybe use dreams. The dropping of the puck symbolizes two dreams; Ed Snider's dream of owning a successful hockey franchise and the dream of a new hockey arena that young and old can use, while still having the Wachovia Center's predecessor entact to remember and enjoy. I am not from Philadelphia and I haven't been there in over a while, but the Spectrum is still standing, isn't it? Also, Bob Clarke is not the President of the Flyers, Ron Ryan is. And, it isn't Clarke's dream. It was Ed Snider's. He put the majority of the money into the franchise, correct?

The sweet aroma of cotton candy and popcorn filled my section<b>;</b> I was ready to go.

The fans now get to enjoy all of the amenities and luxuries of a first-class arena, while living the dream of bringing a Stanley Cup down Broad St.
I am not sure, but I don't think a comma is needed before while. You might want to double check that.

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Overall it is good. Try varying your sentence length and sentence structure.
Using dashes and semi-colons are always impressive, when used properly.

Teezax 01-29-2004 09:04 PM

For the most part it's very good. It's a magical story that sort of invites my imagination, and that's great news for me because I've never been to the Wachovia Center. Only complaint or CON if you will is your abundant use of adjectives, not a bad thing but could look overdone in your teacher's eyes.

But good job Bud.
It'll rush me to come sooner than later. :handclap:

Quellet The Dogs Out 01-29-2004 09:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teezax
For the most part it's very good. It's a magical story that sort of invites my imagination, and that's great news for me because I've never been to the Wachovia Center. Only complaint or CON if you will is your abundant use of adjectives, not a bad thing but could look overdone in your teacher's eyes.

But good job Bud.
It'll rush me to come sooner than later. :handclap:

My teacher wanted us to use a lot of adjectives, that was the goal, it was to describe a public place.

Gagne2433 01-29-2004 11:01 PM

That is some nice writing.

Just some hints so you can do well in the class. First off, 2-4 pages a night? That's rough depending on the topic.

When you're trying to describe a place, my junior year English teacher taught us to avoid run on sentences and to attempt to stray away from sentences that constantly used the word 'and'.

But, it is very well written. Your teacher will enjoy it. Very descriptive. Something all of us here can relate to.

dedalus 01-30-2004 02:17 AM

You might try fooling with the sequence of the story. Consider beginning in medias res and then flashing back to fill in necessary details. The moment when the lights go down and the first laser beam streaks across the ice would make for a strong opening image.

Also, since it's a descriptive piece I think you can shave down the length of the narrative. It sounds like you're describing 15-20 minutes of action. A better way to approach descriptive writing is to condense your writing to cover a five minute span. You don't need the buildup of entering the Center and ordering a pizza. Those are mundane (which is not to say the mundane need be poor material). The climax of your narrative is the moment when the lights go down and the show begins. Forget the rest of the story and make the show your centerpiece. Make that a tactile experience for your reader. What color was the first spark of light? How did the concrete feel under your sneakers? Textured? Smooth? What did the profile of your father look like with only the reflection of fireworks to light his features? What was your breathing like? Your heartbeat? Did the bass from the sound system resonate through your belly or did you simply hear it? What song kicked off the light show? Was the smoke from the fireworks sweet? Acrid? Did you even notice it in your excitement?

You could turn 30 seconds of that multi-media show into a vivid, five-page essay. The key is to focus down and force the experience on the reader. Consider going beyond simple adjectives and employing all the tricks of the poet: metaphors, similes, onomatopoeia, etc.

It's not enough to tell me it was spectacular. Show me what "spectacular" looks, and sounds, and smells, and feels like.

FlyHigh 01-30-2004 02:24 AM

Not too bad. Were you really in 113/114. That's where I was my last game at the Wach. Row 11 Seat 19 Section 113. And the tickets were free!


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