View Single Post
08-24-2010, 01:02 PM
Join Date: Jun 2009
Country: Canada
Posts: 489
vCash: 50
Good list OP. Made me think or this list I've seen around, it had a bunch of others that were already posted by takumi. I'm going to add:

The Bench Borrower

Yeah I guess he must be used to being babysat by someone on his team bringing bottles, but this is pickup and that's mine. Oh and thanks for wiping your sweat and snot on my towel, I bet it works great as antifog.

The Ringer

Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with it right from the opening face-off. Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to suit up for a bad team. This can be accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired teammates. Most effective, however, is let him play for free. It’s simple math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the ‘DD’ Division title.

The Old Guy

Forget the 50-and-over league; that’s not for him…even though his gloves reach up to his armpits, and he still uses a wood stick. To be fair, the old guy can be an effective player, especially if he’s a wily old guy — a hook here and a chop there, because that’s how they did it when professional athletes were real men. ‘Eddie Shore — now there was a hockey player! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on himself. Never missed a shift.’

The Tardy Goalie

Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first. Not like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time, ********.

The Complete Psycho

Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. Most likely a cop or fireman. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop — all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn’t want to be fed. He wants to hunt. And, look to him to carry on his act in the bar after the game.

The Guy with the New Girlfriend

An excellent way to lower everyone else’s fees is to load up on a few of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to three games, tops, so his payment will contribute to everyone else’s and it’s not like you’ll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the new wife; at which point he’ll never miss another game.

The Minor Hockey Allstar

Looks promising at a glance as they fool you with reasonably good skills but after you get zero passes you’ll get the picture. This guy topped out at ‘AA’ Midget and can be spotted by the huge blinders attached to his helmet. Play is characterized by energetic rushes down the wing, (no passing), then into the corner (still no pass), behind the net (hey ******** I’ve been open for the past 5 minutes), then into the next corner (everybody has gone back to the bench to watch) followed by a blind give away pass to the high slot / break out pass for the other team. Cut this guy.

The Johnny Try Hard

Great to have on your team but they suck to play against because they have somehow managed to keep themselves in ridiculously good shape. They were probably the star on their high school hockey team and won athlete of the year because they played hockey, volleyball and track all in the same year. Guaranteed they have a membership at the ‘Running Room’. Play is characterized by constant hustle which if caught off guard can embarrass the more talented yet fatter player.

The Tough Guy

This guy maxed out at the house-league level, has never been in a fight and is characterized by antagonizing behavior on the ice. In extreme cases he will ‘cheap shot’ another player. The fact that your beer league does not allow fighting has given this guy a false sense of courage. What this guy does not realize is that this will not prevent someone from knocking his teeth out if he cheap shots the wrong guy. There is a number of fun ways to handle this player which all end with him lying on the ice bleeding, looking for his teeth and crying.

The Wrong Guy

Not to be confused with ‘The Complete Psycho’. This guy shows up, doesn’t say much and pretty much flies under the radar screen. The kid that gave him the cheap shot him will eventually look his name up on Hockey DB after his facial surgery and realize he had 355 PIMS in the East Coast League 3 years ago.

The Gear Guy

More money than brains. This guy is a mediocre player who compensates for poor skating and a crappy slapshot by always having the latest, hottest gear. Watching him suit up is like flipping through the Hockey News equipment reviews issue. He starts by stuffing his chubby frame into skin tight UnderArmour, followed by massive, ultralight pads. He shows up with shiny new blades every year, claiming that the last pair “just never felt right” and boasting that he feels faster because his new skates only weigh 17 nanograms. A couple of weeks after Ovechkin sports a yellor visor, the dude shows up with one. Best of all are the sticks. While everybody else does just fine with bargain rack specials this guy hauls out a Warrior Kronik before anyone has even heard of it. He sucks, but he’s handy to have around because he carries an extra elbow pad and a spare pair of gloves in his bag.

madmutter is offline   Reply With Quote