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04-24-2011, 11:12 PM
  #9
Beef Invictus
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Centreville
Country: Lord Howe Island
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Well, I only saw the first two periods.

My thoughts:

1) JVR. Briere. Leino. YES.

2) Richards...you can't do that man. Don't think a suspension comes, but that's just a bad idea. Versteeg is good at getting ROCKED on seemingly minor contact.

3) Pronger's hand must be feeling decent; Saw him giving people the business with it.

4) Michael Leighton...ah. Where to begin? How do I describe my feelings for him? Truly, I don't believe there are words in any human language to describe how much I hate the guy. They haven't been invented, because nobody has hated this much before; there has simply been no need for such terms. At first, I just strongly disliked him as an NHL goalie playing for the Philadelphia Flyers. His lack of sufficient athletic talent was always evident, unless you believe that "largeness" is a talent. Then the Finals happened, and I moved towards hating him as a goaltender for the Flyers...especially as a starter. Yet the esteemed Paul Holmgren elected to spit on me, and sign him to be that. Thankfully, the fates intervened and broke his back. We were spared the agony of seeing him try to start 40 or more games for the Flyers. I thought that he could finally fade away into the sands of time, to be cheerfully forgotten.

It was not to be. Bob, struck down by some voodoo hex applied by Ruff, had to step aside. Leighton stepped in. He immediately showed that he hadn't improved at all. Every puck that touched him generated rebounds. He moved slower than an eldery Three-Toed Sloth in the midst of a tranquilizer overdose. The inevitable happened; he was facing an offense ranked above 25th, so they eventually found and slammed one of his abundant rebounds straight into the net, and through our collective souls. He then blamed the defense, I guess because he wants to troll the world.

Then...today happened. How do I describe his performance today? As I mentioned, there are not words in any existing language to describe how I feel about it, especially in an elimination game. He wasted no time reminding us that if he has to move any of his upper limbs to prevent a goal, well, he probably isn't going to prevent it. If he does, it's probably on accident, or because some supernatural force took pity on our fanbase and team. The second goal..all I could do was laugh through my disbelief. At least on the first goal, the puck was airborne. Despite the fact that it was a direct short side shot that any NHL or AHL goalie should stop even while blind drunk, at least it was airborne, operating in 3 dimensions. After that goal was allowed, for reasons I can't fathom, Lavi not only allowed Leighton to continue playing, but he also allowed him to live. The third goal was just another chapter in the long, painful Saga of MFL's 5-Hole.

I've done some math, and I believe I have an acceptable solution to the Leighton Question. It seems imperative that he be run out of town as rapidly as possible, and that we send him as far as possible. It seems to cost about $6,481 per pound to get an object into space. Leighton weighs 186 pounds. That comes down to roughly $1,205,466 to make Leighton the Moon's problem. Using the rest of his salary for next year, that means we can give him at least 300,000 dollars worth of air and water, and a really nice winter jacket. There's no need to kill him for his transgressions, but it is thoroughly imperative that Homer launches him to the Moon as soon as possible.

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