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08-21-2011, 10:49 PM
  #9
semin4captain
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14 (West). Columbus Blue Jackets

The Columbus Blue Jackets have been searching for a first line center and a top-pairing defenseman for years. The good news is they got one of the two. The other is James Wisniewski. And Jeff Carter is probably better at wing anyway. Oh, **** it.

With Wisniewski and Carter in the fold, the Jackets now have three players who belong with in a mile of a top powerplay unit. With the supporting cast around them, they could reasonably wind up in the top 25 in both powerplay percentage and goals for.

With sheer mediocrity on defense and at forward, the fortunes of the Blue Jackets will depend largely on their netminding. If Steve Mason plays like he did for the first twenty games of his rookie season, the Jackets could make the playoffs if everything goes right and Rick Nash stops being the most overrated player in the NHL and actually scores more than 70 points for once. If Mason plays like he has in the other 150 or so games, the Jackets are a lottery team. But don't count Mason out. Not only is he a Good Canadian Boy, he also is motivated over his repeated failures for the last several seasons. Mason's actual ability is nothing that should be questioned; any player in the NHL who fails always succeeds again merely by trying, regardless of talent level.

If Mason falters, the Blue Jackets can turn to Mark Dekanich, who may or may not be a real person. General manager Scott Howson said that Dekanich was someone who he had been keeping an eye on for years and really wanted as a back-up, which in GM speak means "Mark Whoever was willing to sign for league minimum and we're ****ing broke because we just spent thirty-three million dollars on James Wisniewski."

Tragedy struck in mid-July when noted abysmal hockey player and point collector Kristian Huselius suffered a torn muscle while lifting weights for the first time ever and was projected to miss 4-6 months while recovering. Scott Howson sprung into action, signing noted abysmal hockey player and point collector Vaclav Prospal, who will suffer a season-ending injury at any moment now. Some have said that Prospal will help the powerplay a lot, and obviously those people have never watched hockey or looked at his career powerplay numbers. At some point in time, "soft, skilled forward with major skating issues" was incorrectly translated as "good on the powerplay" and it stuck. If you've always wondered why players are described as "good PP guys" despite producing nothing on the PP and their team's PP being terrible, you have your answer.

The Jackets do have some quality prospects on the way. Ryan Johansen - best known for being demanded by delusional Oilers fans in exchange for Ales Hemsky - could eventually give the Jackets a good one-two punch at center and someone to complement Rick Nash, since we all know he and Carter won't fit together. John Moore has a nice name and probably did something at the WJC at some point in time, though maybe not. Nobody really cares. Nikita Filatov was traded for a 3rd round pick, thus making him the second best Columbus first round pick of all time. Jeff Hamilton is from Ohio.

In short, the Blue Jackets are a team so bad that maybe one day they will be relocated to Canada.


Last edited by semin4captain: 08-22-2011 at 02:11 AM.
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