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08-24-2011, 07:09 PM
What's the Pred say?
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Winston-Salem, NC
Originally Posted by
My life sucks, and it's my own fault.
I chose a job last spring that I thought would be good experience and help me get a foot in the door with a possible job plying my actual trade during my final summer in college next year. Instead, I find myself working under someone who clearly does not like me and has me using all the restraint in my body not to put my right fist firmly into his face and quit before the end of the season. I'm not the only person that feels that way, either.
To make matters worse, I have academics starting up next week. I feel totally unprepared to return to school or my previous job. I can't sleep. I barely eat. I've lost 20 pounds since June 20, when I moved into my new apartment (under 190 for the first time since my sophomore year of high school). I have no energy, no charisma, and no real desire to keep going... I just put on a good show so people don't freak out.
Why am I this way? Because I'm an idiot. I drove off the only woman I ever really loved because I thought she was the problem, but she was the only thing keeping the problem from getting worse. I made a lot of stupid mistakes because I didn't know whether I was falling in love or going crazy. Now she won't say a word to me... so I'm going to go find her. I'm making all my plans, putting off obligations over the Christmas holiday and I'm going to go find her, look her in the eye, and tell her I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I won't take no for an answer. I will fight and scrape until my fingernails are gone, and then I'll use my teeth until they're all ripped out. I will do whatever it takes to bring her back into my life, because without her, life has no meaning. So I'm saving every dollar I can spare to get on a plane for the first time in my sorry life and go stand up for myself.
I've had people try to dissuade me of this. They tell me to see other people, do other things. I tried. I've been trying for a long time, and it has failed miserably. I need her. I love her more than anything I've ever known or ever want to know. I will show her that, or I will die trying. Maybe it's a lost cause, but lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for. So I'm going to fight for the only person that made me feel complete, and failure will not be an option.
I thought I would write ahead of myself (because I've always said that dropping in unannounced is rude). She threatened to have me arrested if she saw me. She furthermore called me selfish, said I didn't pay any attention to her needs or wants, and said we couldn't even be friends.
I broke out in a cold sweat. I curled up in a ball and cried. I thought about doing some of the really stupid things that put me in this position. I never thought I could make her hate me so utterly. Failure was not an option, but I failed anyway.
I don't really know what to do. I thought I had shattered myself the first time, but this time was even worse. I feel despicable. I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted with myself. It feels like I can't do anything right anymore. I'm going to see a counselor tomorrow, but God, hockey season can't get here fast enough.
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