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07-24-2012, 04:52 PM
Liver-Eating Johnson
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco
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A Grill too Far

Cast overview, first billed only:
W.C. Fields - The Great Man
Paul Holmgren - His Niece

Scene 1:
Homer: Hey W.C. I was thinking of offer-sheeting Shea Weber. How do you think i should structure the contract?
W.C. Fields: A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
Homer: so i should screw them over with an outrageous signing bonus? seems like a below-the-belt move.
W.C. Fields: I say this to you:

Scene 2:
Homer: i did it. the grill-man signed. time to start counting the cups.
W.C. Fields: Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Homer: i know his heart is here in Philly. he wants to play with a contender.
W.C. Fields: Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night
Homer: do you think the other general managers around the league will think poorly of me?
W.C. Fields: It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Homer: right. this shouldn't change their opinion. i have a history of making bold moves.
W.C. Fields: If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with ********.
Homer: but my moves are brilliant.
W.C. Fields: You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

Scene 3:
Homer: W.C. quick get me some water. i'm about to pass out.
W.C. Fields: I don't drink water. Fish **** in it.
Homer: it didn't work. those ******** matched.
W.C. Fields: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Homer: you think Davey will hold a grudge and refuse to trade with me.
W.C. Fields: I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a *****, I forget it.
Homer: i thought we had all the leverage. we're rich after-all. they're cash-strapped ********.
W.C. Fields: A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
Homer: at least we still have the best player in the world.
W.C. Fields: Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Homer: remind me. what's that you said about suckers?
W.C. Fields: Sunny Murray said it best:

edit: only real W.C. Fields quotes were used in this production.

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