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11-05-2012, 12:59 PM
"Elite Poster" ???
Join Date: May 2007
Location: hiding Robert Durst
Originally Posted by
Looking for some opinions on something.
The girl I've been dating has been pretty seriously ill for the past couple months. Her immune system is really bad right now, so it's been tough fighting things off. Her latest ailment has been anemia, and it's been causing bleeding that can't be completely stopped without surgery. Her doctors have been delaying the surgery because her vitals aren't good enough to go through a surgery, so it's been just patching her up as needed until her vitals improve. She's also in isolation because she's contagious. Basically, she's been through quite a bit over the past couple months.
The main issue I'm facing is she's way more invested in our relationship that I am. Probably 2-3 weeks after we even met she was talking about buying a house, getting married and having kids. She's told me a number of times I'm the reason she has to keep going. Over the past couple weeks, she's noticed I've been a little less talkative on the phone. She asked if she was losing me, and I basically just told her I think we needed to slow down. I said we basically skipped the entire dating phase and jumped right into being married and having kids, and I think we need to go back and take things slower. She didn't agree. At all. It pretty much broke her and she's been devastated since.
The real problem is that now she's not really willing to keep fighting. She was in the hospital last night because she was having trouble breathing. Her doctors wanted her to stay, but she wouldn't and went home. She needs to have the surgery, but she doesn't know if she wants to now because she has no reason.
I know I can only control my own actions and my own life and that she ultimately needs to take control of her life, but I just feel incredibly guilty now. What if something serious happens because she doesn't want to try anymore? I'm going to have that on my conscience like it's my fault. It's been messing with my head since yesterday morning and it's driving me nuts. She's already made her illness worse by going out and driving around for most of yesterday (she's not supposed to be out of bed), and I don't know how far she'll push it now.
Sorry for the semi wall of text, it's just all I can think about right now.
Wow. That's some seriously major ****. We'll take it one point at a time.
First, if this Sabres board and OT thread has taught us anything, it's that almost all women immediately want to skip the dating phase, (especially if they feel it will involve chronic consumption of both hockey and beer) and quickly move to marriage and kids. So don't feel that is too wack. Plus, you, being an east-coast transplant, may be different to her from other guys she's encountered so far.
Second, you need to find a family member of hers, or BFF, or whatever, and talk openly, without violating her confidence, about your concerns. Given her health hisotry, which you've written of previously, you need to understand if either of these issues have come up before. i.e., (A) losing will / fight to live or care for herself, (B) making that will contingent on the love / affection of another.
You have legit concerns about her physical and emotional health, which are intertwined, and it's unfair for her to (so fully) burden you with that inter-connection at that phase of your relationship. You've only been out west a couple months, right?
Third, if you want to play the card, you could say that you can't love someone who won't love / take care of herself. But usually that challenge is reserved for people with addiction issues. (Don't know if it's legit to say that or not - ask someone on this board who watches intervention to know if that's "fair" or "unfair" to pull.)
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