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11-22-2012, 10:38 AM
  #9
Epictetus
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Dear Stefan Hoogerbrugge (author of the article),

An okay article that needs improvement.

You provided many positive assertions. This is good and one part of the writing process. Good work.

However, you did not follow up with any actual argumentation for your assertions. Remember: an assertion is only as good as it can be argued for.

For the times that you did provide argumentation, it was merely an argument that described the circumstances. For example, you said, "Now, with the emergence of a star studded Toronto Blue Jays team, a Grey Cup challenging Toronto Argonauts football team, and a young and exciting Toronto Raptors squad, the Leafs are at serious risk of losing fans, and losing them fast". So, the question to ask would be, how exactly will this be the cause of the Leafs losing fan attendance? Providing an answer will enhance your argument.

Additionally, in your article, better argumentation can be accounted for by not making radical claims. An argument doesn't need to be always in support of a radical claim, but can be for a modest claim. You say, "Now I realize that is stating the obvious, but before the emergence of the other Toronto sports franchises, there really was no pressure on the Leafs to perform..." First, is this even true? Is a franchise who hasn't won a Stanley Cup in over 40 years in one of hockey's largest settings without 'pressure to perform'? Doesn't this alone show that the team always had pressure to perform and that it doesn't directly matter what other Toronto Sports team do?

Grade: C

Please, do not hesitate to contact me with any questions or concerns (if you have any).

-Epic.

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