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02-25-2013, 11:23 AM
  #586
Uberdachen
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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I still say the Wild need to put in a patsy to get an instant penalty (like catch the PP faceoff drop and dive backwards with it to do a Gollum impression) the second they go on the power play. It's amazing how that can not only be so ineffective, but actually kill all their momentum. A 4-on-4 is better for everyone.

But anyways, we can pick apart the team and the game all we want, but it was a loss before it even started when they kept going over how awful Calgary is, at home, this season, with the moon however full on a 4th Saturday in February when a moose was spotted eating poutine in the prime minister's bathroom. And I'm pretty sure they pulled those stats out of an upside-down Bible that burst into flames when they flipped to that page.

You know what, helpful homer commentators? Tell us how unscoring the Wild are. After making it halfway through February without scoring more than one goal in regulation, those fun stats started popping up nonstop and they went three in a row with three goals (which was the next streak to get brought up). I don't want to hear about how bad the other team's record is for this set of specific events. I want to hear about how slow Heatley is. What's slower than Heatley? There's tons of room for your trivia there. He's still coming off the ice from his first shift in Calgary. The Flames repainted their logo for their next home game and it's got a weird light trail in it from where they had to paint around him as he made his way to the bench. Tell me how slow he is, how many games it's been since he scored. Since he scored two. Since he got a hat trick. "You know, Heatley's gone 670 games without scoring two goals or more when attendance was exactly 16,782 on bobblehead night, so it's pretty unlikely we'll see much from him tonight. He's also never passed anybody on the ice during whale mating season, which started last week." "Ryan Suter is now on minute 372 of not scoring while wearing a Wild jersey. We'll update you every time that number changes." "Koivu is now in his 502nd consecutive game without scoring 8 points in one period." These are stats I want you to inform me of. I don't want to know that nobody on the other team has worn skates before, and that they all stuck their hands out the windows on the flight over and every single one of them had to be amputated, and that no handless backup team with ice allergies has ever beaten the Wild by more than two goals.

So just give me this one thing. That's all. Because otherwise I am left to rely on the players.

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