Phoenix LXXIII: "This Space Available"
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04-01-2013, 03:25 PM
The Illusive Bettman
Join Date: Sep 2010
I love April Fools!
''In a stunning move the NHL announced today that film mogul Alan Smithee has purchased the Phoenix Coyotes for an estimated 170 Million.
Gary Bettman made the announcement that Smithee had come forward late last week and made an offer on the team which the NHL has owned since bankruptcy in 2009
The City of Glendale has to aprove a new lease but that is thought to be a formality. Smithee will get 16 million a season from the city to manage the arena, all parking and concessions plus the first born of every Glendale resident that he will then sacrifice to Cthulhu.
Smithee plans to have different players each game read from the Necronomicon with hopes of summoning the Dark Lord.
Coyotes Captain Shane Doan was optimistic about the idea of a new owner for the team even though it will usher in a thousand years of darkness for mankind.
"What's important is that the team stays in Arizona. Sure we will have higher taxes, no social services and will be under dominion of a mythical being who will drive us all to madness but I think thats a small price to pay to keep hockey in the desert.
Smithee also got an escape clause in the case that the team isn't profitable.
"We need this club to make money at some point. Even with all the power of the Dark One we cannot lose upwards of 30 million a season" said Smithee. "After 5 years if we don't start making back some of our investment we will look at re-locating the team to The Nameless City."
When asked about the escape clause NHL Commisoner Gary Bettman had this to say.
"While it is our hope we can keep the team in Glendale at some point we may have to move them to the Nameless City. Sure its in another dimension and has no hockey fans but its still better than Atlanta."
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