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11-03-2013, 11:26 PM
Captain Catatomic
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Country: Canada
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Oilers top 99 problems:

#1: RNH's side-part turn over hairdo glaringly shows on the ice
#2: Hall's broken C3P0 syndrome has no R2D2
#3: Eberle's evil squint has almost disappeared
#4: Petry daydreams of playing for the other team on game days and in game
#5: Smid watches too many Friendly Giant Episodes
#6: Eakins fruits and veggies aren't Organic and GMO free
#7: K.Acton's Mr.Clean has rubbed off on him in his pk/pp revamp
#8: Perron's frenglish accent's not mean enough to be an Alberta boy
#9: Gagner can but doesn't grow a beard
#10: Hemsky misses the Oilers 3rd Jerseys and sulks about it
#11: Jones's go with his flow has gone with the wind
#12: Yakupov knee slid into Eakin's Papaya & Coconut tray at practice
#13: Gordons hockey skills don't blend w/the Oil's shinny games
#14: Smyth's mullet now grows in reverse, causing his poor velocity
#15: W.Acton's dad quit payin him allowance hence sons new contract
#16: Jonesuu's bloodlust has caused him to self-destruct into despair
#17: Hamilton forgot his pillow at Acton's house at their sleepover
#18: Justin Schultz took Eakins diet too seriously and is now 125lbs
#19: Doobie smokes himself repeatedly, isn't high & already burntout
#20: Arco Portobello uses toad in mariokart 2much to grow his game
#21: Eager's still waiting to play on the 3rd line after all these years
#22: Gazdics shriveled up and out of gas, with no viagra in sight
#23: Pitlicker has 2 much aluminum in his deodorant causing gingivitis
#24: Belovs jet lag was so bad he shoots slappers @ overhead airplanes in game
#25: Ference doesn't get paid extra for babysitting & changing diapers
#26: N.Schultz can't score at home when he's scored on in game
#27: Larsen is still mad his trade value is equivalent to a Horcoff
#28: LaBarbera's total of 3 winning NHL seasons 60w/181gp have caused narcissism
#29: Old boys club health care psychiatric prescription benefits have expired
#30: Team toughness is measured in overcooked steaks at the Rack with pints
#31: Team Puck battles are between the players, the puck and own goalies
#32: Top pairing D in Oil Country stands for best couple on date night
#33: Dubnyk thinks he's a Goalvendor + sells the opposition goals for beef jerkey
#34: Team Structure is made of cardboard, gum, and Popsicle sticks
#35: Confused with +/- stats, the Oilers are letting in goals in hope of signing bonuses
#36: Kevin Lowe has the key to Katz's secret medication safe + indulges frequently
#37: Darryl Katz wants a bad team so his boy can join and be a hero in 10 years
#38: Steve Smith drinks moonshine with Petry + shows him “own-goal” secrets
#39: Mactavish wont sign a majority of players taller than himself and Lowe
#40: Oilers body checks are excuses to visit the infirmary with their paycheck in tact
#41: Oil shots on goal crack the pipes on ice, in the dressing room they hit ice in the crack-pipes
#42: Eakins took down Oil memorabilia + replaced w/nude pics of Moreau Souray+Cogs
#43: Eakins is bribing the media w/donuts after games not to call him out publicly
#44: Every time the players hear the word buchberger they salivate endlessly
#45: Mactavish is doing handstand meditation when addressing the team size issue
#46: Team work consists of writing lines + essays after skating practice and video class
#47: Oilers go into the trenches hiding, diving head first instead of fighting like soldiers
#48: Oilers have confused board play with bored plays
#49: For the Oilers the lack of a red line means that they will not go to war anymore
#50: The Oilers faith has fallen into the hands of team doctors instead of the on-ice players

to be continued...

Last edited by Captain Catatomic: 11-04-2013 at 12:07 AM.
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