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The Official Florida Panthers Disaster Prediction Thread

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Old
08-17-2005, 08:37 PM
  #1
patastrophe
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The Official Florida Panthers Disaster Prediction Thread

i thought we might have a little fun with all the "sky is falling" posturing, prevaricating, and pontificating by putting in this thread exactly how BAD we really think it could get. and no, you guys cant all steal acadmus's little panther for a day guy.

so, here we go, heres mine:

the panthers start the season 9-0 with two shootout wins when inexplicably mike keenan trades roberto luongo, jay bouwmeester, and jacques martin to edmonton for georges laraque, the rights to grant fuhr, and a 17th round draft pick in 1998. keenan then entices larry robinson to leave the devils, not to coach us, but to patrol our blueline. clint, bouw4, clash, catscratch and myself form an armed mob and charge the odc in a fit of rage, intending to protest and hopefully force cohen/keenan out of the franchise, but when we arrive we find mathieu biron barricaded inside with an assortment of weapons, high explosives, archie comics, and a cooler full of beer and sausages. apparently the thought of roberto being traded to edmonton further limiting his ability to run louie's crease is just too much for the poor sap to bear. he detonates himself along with most of sunrise forcing the nhl to relocate the panthers franchise to sweden, the first team in the new nhl europe.

cant get much worse than that can it?

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Old
08-17-2005, 10:11 PM
  #2
Acadmus
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Well...mine will have to wait until tomorrow...right now my creative juices are churning and giving me a stomach ache...so when that sorts itself out (perhaps in a prayer to the porcelain god) I'll be able to release the fruits of my expectations for the worst...

...and, yes, they'll involve Biron

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Old
08-18-2005, 01:35 AM
  #3
JonathanHuberdoh
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9 and 0? Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet

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Old
08-18-2005, 02:30 AM
  #4
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Here's the worst case scenario...

Cohen tells Keenan to trade away all the players to get payroll as low as possible.

Cohen uses the extra money to fund cloning research.

Cohen Cloning Inc. perfects the cloning process.

With no roster and a roster to fill, he clones 23 Mathieu Birons.

Florida then changes it's name to Florida Mathieu Birons.

In the first game of the season Mathieu Biron falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron who falls on Mathieu Biron and so on and so forth.

The perpetual Mathieu Biron falling cycle causes a rip in the space time continuum and the universe ceases to exist...

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Old
08-18-2005, 02:32 AM
  #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by patastrophe
i thought we might have a little fun with all the "sky is falling" posturing, prevaricating, and pontificating by putting in this thread exactly how BAD we really think it could get. and no, you guys cant all steal acadmus's little panther for a day guy.

so, here we go, heres mine:

the panthers start the season 9-0 with two shootout wins when inexplicably mike keenan trades roberto luongo, jay bouwmeester, and jacques martin to edmonton for georges laraque, the rights to grant fuhr, and a 17th round draft pick in 1998. keenan then entices larry robinson to leave the devils, not to coach us, but to patrol our blueline. clint, bouw4, clash, catscratch and myself form an armed mob and charge the odc in a fit of rage, intending to protest and hopefully force cohen/keenan out of the franchise, but when we arrive we find mathieu biron barricaded inside with an assortment of weapons, high explosives, archie comics, and a cooler full of beer and sausages. apparently the thought of roberto being traded to edmonton further limiting his ability to run louie's crease is just too much for the poor sap to bear. he detonates himself along with most of sunrise forcing the nhl to relocate the panthers franchise to sweden, the first team in the new nhl europe.

cant get much worse than that can it?
LMAO the best part was "cooler full of beer and sausages"

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Old
08-18-2005, 08:41 AM
  #6
Acadmus
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*crack* (knuckles before starting this)...

Ahem, this is unrehearsed and shall flow as it comes to me - and this is to be read as a season disaster prediction as opposed to a game disaster prediction, since those are reserved for 24 hours before a game

Training camp: Olli Jokinen is holding out because he wants to be paid as much as Joe Thornton and Keenan says he should be asking for money more in line with Joe Kocur. So Keenan trades Jokinen for Todd Bertuzzi. Keenan had originally tried to toss in Luongo to get gift certificates to Tim Hortons as well, but Luongo tells Vancouver's GM he won't move from Florida if traded and will retire to run his wife's family's pizza business, so the deal is kiboshed and Keenan has to settle for Bertuzzi.

Half way through training camp Nieuwendyk and Roberts announce that they'd only signed with the Panthers to get the signing bonus money so they'd have downpayments on neighboring mansions in Palm Springs. They hold a joint press conference to announce their retirements. Keenan goes and signs a couple of "Making the Cut" players to fill in the roster - he overpays to get over the salary floor.

Keenan, seeing the defense isn't going to be sufficient without Nieuwendyk and Roberts, tries to trade Bouwmeester for Brendan Witt. Washington informs him that he'll have to accept Mathieu Biron as well for the deal to happen. Keenan accepts.

Game 1: Biron runs into Witt, giving him a grade 1 concussion and putting him out for the season. Then he runs into Luongo repeatedly until Luongo, fed up and a little loopy from having his head hit the goalposts a dozen times, starts doing a strip-tease a la Slapshot. As if all that weren't enough, at 11:21 of the first, Bertuzzi gets thrown out of the game on a game misconduct and match penalty for breathing on an opposing player (the League was serious about holding him to a higher standard). The resulting hearing sees him suspended for two seasons.

The season progresses as well as one might expect with a top line of Huselius, Stumpel, and Horton until, in game 4, Horton reinjures his shoulder while scoring his 15th goal of the season. He's done, too. Kolnik takes his spot on the top line.

The defense at this point consists of Mathieu Biron. Alone. He's taken out all his defense partners. Goaltending is covered by McClennan, who is smart enough to hide in the net everytime Biron comes near. Unfortunately this is usually when opposing forwards are in the zone with the puck, so scoring tends to be a little lopsided. Several records are set in one 34-1 game against Minnesota, including most lopsided loss to a team without any real talent (Gaborik decides to hold out for a bigger contract again a day before the season starts).

The season finishes with a 3-78-1 record. Cohen, praising Keenan's management, confirms he'll never fire him and extends the five years remaining on his contract by another 5 years. Cohen fires Jacques Martin, however, and announces Keenan will now be coach and GM for the foreseeable future. At this announcement, half the team quits the NHL and goes to play in Europe. Complaining that the fans drove away his players, Cohen announces the team will relocate to Winnipeg.

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Old
08-18-2005, 01:23 PM
  #7
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Well, Acadmus, the title of King of Disaster Predictions remains solidly and rightfully yours. Well done!

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08-18-2005, 02:15 PM
  #8
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If any of this happens, I blame all of you guys.

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Old
08-18-2005, 02:38 PM
  #9
Acadmus
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CatscratchFever
Well, Acadmus, the title of King of Disaster Predictions remains solidly and rightfully yours. Well done!



I'd like to thank all the little people I had to step on on the way to getting here...thank you for making my path so soft and squishy

Honestly, with the Panthers' history and the pounding they take from their own fans, it makes disaster predictions too easy

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08-18-2005, 03:34 PM
  #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Acadmus



I'd like to thank all the little people I had to step on on the way to getting here...thank you for making my path so soft and squishy

Honestly, with the Panthers' history and the pounding they take from their own fans, it makes disaster predictions too easy

Made me remember how much I loved those game day vinettes. It will be super sweet to have those back, huh?

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Old
08-18-2005, 04:48 PM
  #11
Acadmus
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CatscratchFever
Made me remember how much I loved those game day vinettes. It will be super sweet to have those back, huh?
But whatever shall I create without Biron?

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Old
08-18-2005, 04:51 PM
  #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Acadmus
But whatever shall I create without Biron?

There's always the forbidden fruit of the KIWI !!!!

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Old
08-18-2005, 08:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Acadmus
*crack* (knuckles before starting this)...

ETC....
wow, thats just....impressive. im stunned.

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Old
08-18-2005, 08:32 PM
  #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RatmanReturns
There's always the forbidden fruit of the KIWI !!!!
There is never a shortage of cannon fodder for Acadmus, he's just being modest.

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Old
08-18-2005, 10:37 PM
  #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RatmanReturns
There's always the forbidden fruit of the KIWI !!!!
Nice one Ratman!

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Old
08-19-2005, 08:52 AM
  #16
Acadmus
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RatmanReturns
There's always the forbidden fruit of the KIWI !!!!
You're welcome to Kiwi's forbidden fruit...I'm not going there

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Old
08-19-2005, 10:31 AM
  #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Acadmus
You're welcome to Kiwi's forbidden fruit...I'm not going there

Now that you mention that, I keep having this mental image of SNL's "Mango" whenever I think of the Kiwi.

Keenan: "Kiwi, I've wanted you for so long. I can't wait to see you on the ice, doing your little dance. Will you do your little dance for me, now?"

Kiwi: "You can't have-a da Kiwi!"



disturbing

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Old
08-19-2005, 12:48 PM
  #18
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I woke up in a trailer park next to Keenan and Cohen. That better Heimy? Its just one trailer park over, but its tough to get a cab in the middle of a nightmare.

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