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11-28-2003, 08:27 AM
  #1
H-Bear
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Jokes

Does anyone know of any good jokes? I am trying to update the joke page on my hockey website every week. I have run out of jokes to post.

Criteria: 1) Preferably about hockey. 2) Any content goes (the viewers of the site are all 18 years or older).

Thanks to anyone who can contribute.

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Old
11-28-2003, 08:38 AM
  #2
Digger12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by comrie
Does anyone know of any good jokes? I am trying to update the joke page on my hockey website every week. I have run out of jokes to post.

Criteria: 1) Preferably about hockey. 2) Any content goes (the viewers of the site are all 18 years or older).

Thanks to anyone who can contribute.
Got this off a quick google...

A Day in the Life of Bob Clarke

7:00- Wake up. Check cave for food.
7:15- No food in cave. Lindros must have eat food. Lindros bad. Blame Lindros.
7:25- Fight dog for dentures.
7:45- Leave for work.
8:00- Traffic jam on expressway. Lindros must be at fault. Lindros bad. Blame Lindros.
8:15- Arrive at office.
8:20- Secretly check height on line penciled behind office door. See if Clarke be bigger. Big good.
8:21- Clarke no bigger. Blame Lindros. Eat Wheaties to get bigger.
8:25- Bang head on open cupboard putting away cereal. Lindros must be responsible. Blame Lindros.
8:45- Crank call Mike Smith, call him pinko commie *******. Russian bad.
8:46- Feel proud of being the last bastion of defense against the ongoing Red Scare. Russian bad.
9:00- See clip of self on Sportscenter. Clarke on TV good. Clarke like. Clarke schedule news conference for l0:00 in AM.
9:15- Call Snider, remind Snider of incriminating photos. Secure job for another day.
9:30- Go to hidden vault and make sure photos still safe.
9:31- Forget combo. Blame Lindros.
9:32- Go back to desk to get combo out of drawer.
9:35- Forget why go desk. Blame Lindros.
9:40- Recheck height against pencil mark. See if Wheaties worked.
9:41- Still no bigger. Lindros must be moving mark up. Clarke be big. Blame Lindros.
9:50- Realize have press conference in 10 minutes, need to come up with something so Clarke can see face on TV.
9:51- Call secretary to get call coach ASAP. Forget coach name. Too many too fast.
9:55- Fire coach.
10:00- Have press conference. Say fire coach. Blame Lindros.
10:20- Promote assistant coach.
10:30- Read scouting report.
10:31- See Zdena Chara's name. Run around office in circles whooping like a chimpanzee when Clarke see height/weight.
10:35- Call Mike Milbury. Call him pinko commie *******.
10:40- Gloat over being last bastion of defense against Red Scare. Russian bad.
10:41- Realize was wrong Mike.
10:42- Call Mike Milbury.
10:43- Tell Milbury Lindros now impersonate Clarke. Say bad thing. Lindros bad. Blame Lindros.
10:45- Demand Chara be Flyer. Chara big. Big good.
10:50- Mike Milbury ask for Gagne. Clarke need think.
10:51- Head start to hurt.
10:52- Milbury say give Cairns as well for a 1st.
10:53- Clarke stop thinking. Too much hurt. Ask Milbury how big Cairns.
10:55- Run around in circles making chimpanzee noises when Milbury answer. Cairns big. Big good.
10:56- Realize on speaker phone. Say Lindros broke into office, make bad noise. Blame Lindros. Lindros bad.
11:00- Smile smugly for robbing Mike Milbury of Chara and Cairns for Gagne and 1st. Flyers get 290 pounds bigger. Big good.
11:05- Tell secretary to schedule press conference for after lunch.
11:06- Clap hands and jump up and down when realize get to be on TV again.
11:10- Go to lunch.
11:15- Order steak dinner. Waiter say salad included.
11:20- Waiter calls Clarke Russian.
11:21- Break Waiter's ankle.
11:22- Realizes Waiter no call Clarke Russian, Waiter ask if Clarke he want Russian dressing.
11:23- Tell Waiter not Clarke's fault. Clarke can't be to blame. Was Lindros. Lindros bad. Blame Lindros.
11:25- Clarke get steak. Realize got wrong teeth in, wearing the fangs (obligatory Simpsons reference).
11:26- Send steak back. Ask for Wheaties. No need teeth eat Wheaties. Wheaties make Clarke big. Big good.
12:00- Go back office.
12:05- Check height on pencil mark. Clarke still no bigger. Blame Lindros.
12:15- Have press conference. Remind world Lindros bad.
12:30- Smile smugly in office.
12:31- Realize forgot announce trade. Schedule press conference for 4:00.
12:45- Get out blankie for nap time. Can't sleep from insomnia. Blame Lindros. Lindros bad.
1:30- Finally fall asleep. Dream of breaking Lindros ankle. Hurt Lindros. Hurt good.
3:55- Wake up. Remember something to do. Can't remember. Blame Lindros for stealing brain. Lindros Bad.
4:30- Secretary calls. Says Clarke miss press conference. Fire secretary. Fire new coach too. Call Ron Hextall to be new coach. Hextall break ankles too. Hextall good.
4:45- Call secretary to schedule press conference for 6:00 to announce new coach. Secretary no answer. Must be Lindros again. Lindros steal secretary. Lindros bad.
5:00- Clarke hungry. Clarke go to diner and order pizza. Still wrong teeth.
5:45- Send pizza back. Waiter say too late to send back. Clarke kick waiter in shins.
5:47- Order oatmeal. Spill bowl on lap. Blame Lindros for greasing bowl. Lindros lie. Lindros bad.
5:59- Remember press conference. Run back to office. Trip on dog leash on sidewalk. Kick dog. Blame Lindros for dog.
6:00- Pick up phone in office. Nobody there except some guy humming.
6:20- Guy humming won't stop. Must be Lindros on line. Tell him I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU. Stomp feet.
6:25- Call secretary to fix phone. Secretary no there. Remember that Lindros steal secretary. Lindros Bad.
6:30- Give up on press conference. Call Keith Jones wife to send condolences. Keith Jones wife say Keith Jones not dead. Keith Jones retire. Clarke confuse. Clarke remember Keith is Lindros friend. Stomp feet.
6:45- Remember still have to pay Keith Jones even though Keith Jones no play. Call Pat Quinn to trade Jones for Cory Cross. Cross BIG. Big good.
6:55-Quinn laugh at Clarke for trade offer. Clark stomp feet. Quinn say Justin Williams for Cross. Clark think. Williams not big. Small bad. Cross big - big good. Clark say yes but want to trade Boucher too. Quinn say yes. Clark smile. Get big Cross for small Williams and Boucher. Clarke win trade. Smile
7:30-Crank call Smith again. Call him Commie Puke. Realize wrong number. Called Konstantinov instead.
7:45-Get call from Yzerman. Yzerman say he hear about call to Konstantinov. RedWing team coming to talk to Clarke about it. Clarke say "Ok, but no commie pukes can come in". Yzerman hang up phone.
7:55-Clarke worry. Call Flyer team to come over just in case. All Flyer but McCallister hang up phone. McCallister say he coming. Big player come. Big player beat up all RedWing. Big Good.
8:30- Knock on door. Open door. RedWings with sticks at door. See commie puke Fedorov. Close door.
8:31 - Knock again. Must be pizza man. Open door. RedWings still there. Where McCallister? Forgot to give McCallister directions. Oops.
8:35 - RedWings want to hurt Clarke. Clarke get stick. Break all their ankles. RedWings run away. Wings bad. Why Wings want to hurt Clarke? Must be Lindros tell them to. Lindros bad.
9:45 - Gary Bettman call. Ask what happened with RedWings. Clarke say Lindros send them. Lindros Bad. Gary say Clarke in trouble. Clarke laugh and call Gary a treasure troll. Gary say Clarke in bigger trouble. Clarke hang up phone. Clarke smart.
10:00- Clarke wonder why Gary call. Must be Lindros saying bad things. Lindros bad.
10:05 - Crank call Lindros family house. Bonnie pick up phone. Clarke fart into phone, laugh hysterically and hang up. Clarke funny.
10:10 - Clarke tired. Go to bed. Can't sleep. Blame Lindros. Lindros bad. Think about trades Clarke made today. Team get bigger. Big good. Think about firing Hextall.
10:15 - Remember to call Buffalo to see if they want to trade Gratton. Get Gratton again. Maybe Renberg too.
10:20 - Get out Lindros Voodoo doll to help sleep.
10:21 - Forgot take out teeth. Still have fangs in. Bite Lindros doll with fangs.
10:25 - Fall asleep dreaming of Lindros getting hurt. Laugh in sleep. Lindros bad.


Last edited by Digger12: 11-28-2003 at 08:45 AM.
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Old
11-28-2003, 08:42 AM
  #3
H-Bear
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lol That is great. Here's my site for those who want to see his work:
http://mooseheads.netfirms.com/jokes.htm

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Old
11-28-2003, 08:52 AM
  #4
Digger12
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One more...

TOP 10 REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX...

10. YOU GO IN 1-2 MINUTE SHIFTS

9. THE PUCK IS ALWAYS HARD

8. THE PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT IS REUSABLE

7. IT LASTS A FULL HOUR

6. YOU KNOW YOU ARE FINISHED WHEN THE BUZZER SOUNDS

5. YOUR PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE

4. A 2 ON 1 OR 3 ON 1 IS NOT UNCOMMON

3. IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY

2. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK

1. PERIODS ONLY LAST 20 MINUTES

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Old
11-28-2003, 08:54 AM
  #5
H-Bear
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Digger12
One more...

TOP 10 REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX...

10. YOU GO IN 1-2 MINUTE SHIFTS

9. THE PUCK IS ALWAYS HARD

8. THE PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT IS REUSABLE

7. IT LASTS A FULL HOUR

6. YOU KNOW YOU ARE FINISHED WHEN THE BUZZER SOUNDS

5. YOUR PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE

4. A 2 ON 1 OR 3 ON 1 IS NOT UNCOMMON

3. IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY

2. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK

1. PERIODS ONLY LAST 20 MINUTES
lol I don't know if the girls on my team would appreciate that!! Especially my girlfriend; she just might fry my nads if I posted that on our site!

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Old
11-28-2003, 09:24 AM
  #6
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One day - in the city of Champions, two boys were playing road hockey in front of the house. It was the perfect day for a game and they had been outside all day.

Suddenly a german shepard came screaming towards them ready to attack. In panic one of the boys began to run. As the dog approached, the second boy managed to lift his stick and spear it in the neck right as he was about to get eaten. Unfortunately, the dog died but the boys ended up being OK.

Meanwhile, Robin Brownlee of the Edmonton Sun was driving by and saw the whole event unfold. He got out of his car and said to the boy "son your the bravest kid in the city - I can see the headlines now, Young Oilers fan risks own life to save the life of another"

The boy turns to Brownlee and mentions "but sir I am not an Oilers fan." Somewhat annoyed Brownlee replies "OK, Young Eskimos fan risks own life to save the life of another." The young boy says "Actually sir I am not an Eskimos fan either - in fact we just moved to town from Calgary."

"Calgary, OH" says Robin, "In that case the headlines should read, Little ******* murders family pet in brutal fashion."

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Old
11-28-2003, 09:27 AM
  #7
Yanner39
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Quote:
Originally Posted by comrie
Does anyone know of any good jokes? I am trying to update the joke page on my hockey website every week. I have run out of jokes to post.

Criteria: 1) Preferably about hockey. 2) Any content goes (the viewers of the site are all 18 years or older).

Thanks to anyone who can contribute.
Hopefully this won't be too in bad taste but:

Why don't lepers play hockey?


The game starts with a faceoff.

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Old
11-28-2003, 09:52 AM
  #8
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Q:
How many Calgary Flames' players does it take to change the red light bulb behind the opposing goalie?

A:
"It was burned out?"

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Old
11-28-2003, 10:09 AM
  #9
H-Bear
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nikeisevil
Q:
How many Calgary Flames' players does it take to change the red light bulb behind the opposing goalie?

A:
"It was burned out?"
NICE!!! My roomate (and teamate) is a Flamer fan.

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Old
11-28-2003, 08:31 PM
  #10
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Oldie, but goodie:


Dude #1: Hey dude#2, did you hear Dan Cloutier tried to commit suicide?

Dude#2: No, what happened?
Dude#1: He jumped in front of a bus but it went between his legs.

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Old
11-29-2003, 04:36 AM
  #11
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Q.Why was Tie Domi exited whe he finished a puzzle in 3 months?

A. On the box, it said 2-4 years.

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