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Lady Advice Thread XXXI: A woman needs love

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12-05-2012, 10:45 AM
  #76
Buck Aki Berg
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I know that this is more of a place for advice in getting things off the ground with a girl, so my problem is a bit of a departure from the usual fare here.

Some background

I’ve been with my girlfriend for over three years now, and we’ve lived together for two of them. If you’ve ever doubted that opposites attract, you should come over for dinner sometime. We have precious little in common, largely because of cultural differences. She’s very francophone and knows little about popular culture beyond Quebec’s borders. It’s to the point that we watch South Park and she will miss the most blatantly obvious cultural references and won’t have a clue why I’m laughing so hard. On the other hand I, like most English Canadians, know little about French Canadian culture beyond Celine Dion and Patrick Roy. I’ve picked up a lot of French in the last three years and can hold my own in conversation, but I can’t follow (or participate in) a conversation with a group of her friends/family, or follow a television show in French from beginning to end.

The common ground we’ve found is largely centered around language (she’s fluent in French, English, and Spanish, functional in Italian; I’m fluent in English, decent in French, and can get by in German. We both enjoy the process/challenge of learning a new language, and often have long conversations about how different languages compare to one another), food (we aren’t Gordon Ramsay and Rachael Ray, but it’s a rare night that we’re eating Chunky Soup for dinner), and travel (our first date was essentially comparing the month I spent in the Balkans to the month she spent hiking in the Pyrenees. Since then we’ve spent Christmas in Germany, camped among northern California’s redwoods and sequoias, frozen our arses off at winter carnivals, and driven all over the northeast for concerts).

The problem

She’s jealous. I have a couple of female friends, and she firmly believes that a guy and a girl can’t be friends. I point out that I have other female friends that she’s okay with, she says that it’s different because they’re in relationships, so it’s not the same. I then point out that one of the girls in question is in a relationship, and she says that it’s different because it’s a long-distance relationship – he’s in Halifax, she’s here in Ottawa – so it’s not the same (this girl has since broken it off with the guy, but it doesn’t change the fact that we’ve been friends for the better part of four years).

She’s told me outright that she doesn’t see these girls as romantic rivals (and I’ve told her that I don’t see these girls as potential mates, even if I was single – if I did, it’d be mighty stupid of me to be around them), so it’s not an issue of her thinking that I’m going to run around on her. When I push for specifics on what makes this a problem (does she think the time I spend with these friends comes at the expense of the time I spend with her? Does she think that I share things with these friends that I don’t share with her?), I just get static – she regurgitates the same line about how a guy and a girl “can’t be friends”, and the answers to any follow-up questions boil down to “because”.

Despite what she says about this not being a question of me potentially cheating on her, I know that she’s been cheated on in the past, and it devastated her, so I know her past experiences are factoring into the equation.

This situation has greatly impacted our relationship – sex life has become strained, any discussions/arguments about this end up with her telling me how she thinks that I would be happier with someone else – not only someone who’s okay with my choice of friends, but also someone who has English-speaking family/friends and likes the same stuff I do (basically, someone who’s not so much of an opposite to me). It's the only time that she talks about her worries about our compatibility like that - any other time, she'll often start sentences with "When we buy a house...."

The catalyst

She plans on purchasing a house in September. I’ve told her that if I live in a house with her, it will be in a house that we own jointly. I make enough money that I can match her down payment, and pay 50% of a mortgage and associated bills. I will not be a tenant in her home, and I will not purchase a house with her with such a serious issue unresolved (this had come up before we moved in together, but I thought it was something we had moved past).

So now what?

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12-05-2012, 10:54 AM
  #77
Lonny Bohonos
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Buck Aki Berg View Post
I know that this is more of a place for advice in getting things off the ground with a girl, so my problem is a bit of a departure from the usual fare here.

Some background

I’ve been with my girlfriend for over three years now, and we’ve lived together for two of them. If you’ve ever doubted that opposites attract, you should come over for dinner sometime. We have precious little in common, largely because of cultural differences. She’s very francophone and knows little about popular culture beyond Quebec’s borders. It’s to the point that we watch South Park and she will miss the most blatantly obvious cultural references and won’t have a clue why I’m laughing so hard. On the other hand I, like most English Canadians, know little about French Canadian culture beyond Celine Dion and Patrick Roy. I’ve picked up a lot of French in the last three years and can hold my own in conversation, but I can’t follow (or participate in) a conversation with a group of her friends/family, or follow a television show in French from beginning to end.

The common ground we’ve found is largely centered around language (she’s fluent in French, English, and Spanish, functional in Italian; I’m fluent in English, decent in French, and can get by in German. We both enjoy the process/challenge of learning a new language, and often have long conversations about how different languages compare to one another), food (we aren’t Gordon Ramsay and Rachael Ray, but it’s a rare night that we’re eating Chunky Soup for dinner), and travel (our first date was essentially comparing the month I spent in the Balkans to the month she spent hiking in the Pyrenees. Since then we’ve spent Christmas in Germany, camped among northern California’s redwoods and sequoias, frozen our arses off at winter carnivals, and driven all over the northeast for concerts).

The problem

She’s jealous. I have a couple of female friends, and she firmly believes that a guy and a girl can’t be friends. I point out that I have other female friends that she’s okay with, she says that it’s different because they’re in relationships, so it’s not the same. I then point out that one of the girls in question is in a relationship, and she says that it’s different because it’s a long-distance relationship – he’s in Halifax, she’s here in Ottawa – so it’s not the same (this girl has since broken it off with the guy, but it doesn’t change the fact that we’ve been friends for the better part of four years).

She’s told me outright that she doesn’t see these girls as romantic rivals (and I’ve told her that I don’t see these girls as potential mates, even if I was single – if I did, it’d be mighty stupid of me to be around them), so it’s not an issue of her thinking that I’m going to run around on her. When I push for specifics on what makes this a problem (does she think the time I spend with these friends comes at the expense of the time I spend with her? Does she think that I share things with these friends that I don’t share with her?), I just get static – she regurgitates the same line about how a guy and a girl “can’t be friends”, and the answers to any follow-up questions boil down to “because”.

Despite what she says about this not being a question of me potentially cheating on her, I know that she’s been cheated on in the past, and it devastated her, so I know her past experiences are factoring into the equation.

This situation has greatly impacted our relationship – sex life has become strained, any discussions/arguments about this end up with her telling me how she thinks that I would be happier with someone else – not only someone who’s okay with my choice of friends, but also someone who has English-speaking family/friends and likes the same stuff I do (basically, someone who’s not so much of an opposite to me). It's the only time that she talks about her worries about our compatibility like that - any other time, she'll often start sentences with "When we buy a house...."

The catalyst

She plans on purchasing a house in September. I’ve told her that if I live in a house with her, it will be in a house that we own jointly. I make enough money that I can match her down payment, and pay 50% of a mortgage and associated bills. I will not be a tenant in her home, and I will not purchase a house with her with such a serious issue unresolved (this had come up before we moved in together, but I thought it was something we had moved past).

So now what?
How much time are you spending with these other girls?

What is you rationale for not being a "tenant" in her "house"?

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12-05-2012, 11:06 AM
  #78
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lonny Bohonos View Post
How much time are you spending with these other girls?

What is you rationale for not being a "tenant" in her "house"?
I don't spend any more time with them than any of my male friends. They aren't getting any kind of preferential treatment (to my other friends, or to my girlfriend).

Also, "these other girls" is one or two. I don't hang out with hordes of girls and try to pass it off like it's no big deal - even if I did have a ton of female friends, you can't deny that the optics would be bad no matter how hard I try to sell my position.

It's not even a matter of spending time with them. I get a phone call or text message, or even a comment on something I post on Facebook, and I brace for idiotic snide comments about my "special friend". And the amount of time I spend talking to her on the phone or texting is also in line with that of any of my other friends.

**

I oppose being a tenant in her home because it flies in the face of being equals in a relationship. If it's her house, and not our house, that essentially gives her final say-so on everything from the colour of the walls to who I can hang out with ("You wanna keep your friend? Fine, get the hell out of my house." - she'd do it too....)


Last edited by Buck Aki Berg: 12-05-2012 at 11:14 AM.
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12-05-2012, 11:26 AM
  #79
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Buck Aki Berg View Post
I don't spend any more time with them than any of my male friends. They aren't getting any kind of preferential treatment (to my other friends, or to my girlfriend).

It's not even a matter of spending time with them. I get a phone call or text message, or even a comment on something I post on Facebook, and I brace for idiotic snide comments about my "special friend". And the amount of time I spend talking to her on the phone or texting is also in line with that of any of my other friends.

**

I oppose being a tenant in her home because it flies in the face of being equals in a relationship. If it's her house, and not our house, that essentially gives her final say-so on everything from the colour of the walls to who I can hang out with ("You wanna keep your friend? Fine, get the hell out of my house." - she'd do it too....)
Based on this its obvious these are issues that need to be revolved if the relationship is going to continue much less progress.

Generally the magic mark for women is 2-3 years into a relationship before they what further commitment which is why i think her talk of houses and not spending time with her.

Her (based on what you said) inability to let her go of her "jealousy" isnt just going to disappear. That something she has to work on.

Your issue of not wanting her to have control makes it seems like you dont want to commit.


So my question is why are you still with her? (Beyond the typical "love" etc)

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12-05-2012, 11:41 AM
  #80
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my original advice to bridge the gap between you 2 was to have a baby. that would solve a lot of problems. but i like your idea equally-definitely buy a house with her

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12-05-2012, 12:04 PM
  #81
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Originally Posted by Buck Aki Berg View Post
Despite what she says about this not being a question of me potentially cheating on her, I know that she’s been cheated on in the past, and it devastated her, so I know her past experiences are factoring into the equation.
You won't like to hear this, but if you want to commit to this woman then I think you have to drop your single female friends. You have to demonstrate to her unequivocally that you are not the guy who will cheat on her and that you take her concerns seriously.

She's probably heard all the "I won't cheat on you, honest, she's just a friend!" excuses in the book and is completely unpersuaded. The words mean nothing to her if they're not backed up with action. In fact, she sees your words & actions as incongruous: if these friends mean nothing to you, why hang out with them knowing that it upsets her? Why continually challenge her about this and put her on the defensive?

You are dealing with a woman who carries the emotional scars of past infidelity, so of course she reacts emotionally to the mere thought that it could happen again, this time with you. You can't talk her out of her feelings. You have to act to ease her concerns.

I think it's either that, or this relationship will soon collapse under the strain.

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12-05-2012, 12:18 PM
  #82
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Originally Posted by Lonny Bohonos View Post
Based on this its obvious these are issues that need to be revolved if the relationship is going to continue much less progress.
Absolutely agree – I just don’t know what the next logical step. I think it’s a minor thing to stop a relationship dead in its tracks over (though I know that this is likely a symptom of a much larger problem).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lonny Bohonos View Post
Generally the magic mark for women is 2-3 years into a relationship before they what further commitment which is why i think her talk of houses and not spending time with her.
She has no problem with me spending time with my male friends. If I go out for a beer with any guy friends, no problem at all. If I tell her I’m going out for a beer with one of my one or two female friends, god help me.

In general, I plan the time with my friends (regardless of gender) for when she has something else planned (I do this at my own accord, not at her request). She has language classes two nights a week, and rather than sit at home and stare at the walls, I might get together with a friend. Most of the time that I see my friends on the weekend, it’s either because she’s working or has plans of her own with her own friends.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lonny Bohonos View Post
Her (based on what you said) inability to let her go of her "jealousy" isnt just going to disappear. That something she has to work on.
…and this is where I need help the most. I know jealousy can’t just be switched off, but I don’t know how to make her see my side of things. I’d be okay with her disliking that I spend time with the people I spend time with, as long as she understood where I was coming from and why my friends are important to me. There are plenty of things we don’t see eye-to-eye on, but she can at least understand/respect where I’m coming from on those issues.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lonny Bohonos View Post
Your issue of not wanting her to have control makes it seems like you dont want to commit.
I’ve told her that I am willing to match her down payment on a house (and I have the savings and job stability to follow through). It’s not a matter of her having control – after all, you can’t have two people in the driver’s seat – it’s a matter of too much inequality. If she owns a house and I just pay rent, that pretty much gives her final say in everything (and if I don’t like it, I can giiiiiiit out!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lonny Bohonos View Post
So my question is why are you still with her? (Beyond the typical "love" etc)
Aside from this one issue, we work great with each other, and we work hard for each other. We’re generally able to compromise easily. We can spend a lot of time together and not get on each other’s nerves (we’ve been on three 7+ day vacations together and have never fought). We don’t take for granted the basic things we do for each other. We’re on the same wavelength and she often seemingly reads my mind.

On a broader scale, our lifestyle choices are congruent (neither of us wants kids, we both want to travel a lot, and our ideas of what a ‘home’ should be a largely similar). And from a logistical standpoint, our financial situations are similar, so we can both afford to have the live that we both seem to want.

Quote:
Originally Posted by optimus2861 View Post
In fact, she sees your words & actions as incongruous: if these friends mean nothing to you, why hang out with them knowing that it upsets her?
My friends don't mean nothing to me. Just because I don't want to sleep with them doesn't mean that they don't mean anything to me. Giving up friends on the sole grounds that "she's a girl" with no other reasoning behind it is not behavior I should be supporting, and it sets a bad precedent in our relationship going forward. I have dropped female friends that aren't as important to me as others, so it's not like I'm taking some stand on principle here, and showing that I "won't be bossed around" or anything like that.

Hell, she's even been in the same room as me with one of my friends (the three of us went out for a drink), and has told me that, based on how I was acting, I have no interest in this girl. Despite that, she still opposes the friendship


Last edited by Buck Aki Berg: 12-05-2012 at 12:23 PM.
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12-05-2012, 01:21 PM
  #83
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I firmly believe that if you were friends with a girl before you started dating someone, then you should not have to cease your friendship just because your girlfriend is upset.

Now, if you and a girl friend of yours dated at some point prior or were involved somehow, then that's a different story.

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12-05-2012, 02:12 PM
  #84
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Giving up friends on the sole grounds that "she's a girl" with no other reasoning behind it is not behavior I should be supporting, and it sets a bad precedent in our relationship going forward. (...) Despite that, she still opposes the friendship
Forget the word "reasoning"; I told you already, it's emotional. She's having a serious emotional reaction to your continuing to hang out with these single female friends of yours, because of her past experience with infidelity and the emotional scars it caused her. She can't give you a reason because she doesn't have one; it also means you can't reason it out of her. Nevertheless, the emotion she feels is very real, and your relationship will continue being unhealthy without it being addressed by one or both of you. She clearly has not fully healed from those past scars so I think it's up to you to make the move here. Your continuing stubbornness on this point must be making her question whether you value her feelings.

Who is more important to you - a woman who you are merely friends with, or the woman you love? The answer had better be obvious.

I went through something like this in the past, FYI; I had a crazy jealous ex who hated that I hung out with a single female friend, even though I had no romantic interest in the friend. I was already getting vibes of controlling, try-to-change-me behaviour from the ex so I didn't acquiesce to that request. If the situation were to repeat itself with my fiance, who does not have such tendencies, I'd probably give her what she wants (it's kind of moot since I really don't hang out with any single females any more).

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12-05-2012, 03:15 PM
  #85
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Who is more important to you - a woman who you are merely friends with, or the woman you love? The answer had better be obvious.
Your reasoning here (I know, I used the R-word again....) is flawed. Number one, my friends and my girlfriend are mutually exclusive entities. It's not like I have a twenty dollar bill and I have to decide whether to take my girlfriend to dinner or have a beer with my friend. My friends do not exist at the expense of my girlfriend, nor is the opposite true.

Number two, the which-do-you-care-about-more argument can be applied to anything. Would it be fair to use that argument if she was telling me to cut other friends out of my life? Would it be fair to use that argument if she was telling me to quit my job? And do I want to set the precedent that I should be doing whetever she says because "if I cared about her, I wouldn't [insert activity here]?

Quote:
Originally Posted by optimus2861 View Post
If the situation were to repeat itself with my fiance, who does not have such tendencies, I'd probably give her what she wants (it's kind of moot since I really don't hang out with any single females any more).
Just to be clear, this has nothing to do with me wanting to hang out with single females (I know that isn't what you said, but I just wanted to make that distinction - there is a difference between "My girlfriend doesn't like me hanging out with single girls" and "My girlfriend gets mad when I hang out with my friend who is female".

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12-05-2012, 04:17 PM
  #86
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Your reasoning here (I know, I used the R-word again....) is flawed. Number one, my friends and my girlfriend are mutually exclusive entities. It's not like I have a twenty dollar bill and I have to decide whether to take my girlfriend to dinner or have a beer with my friend. My friends do not exist at the expense of my girlfriend, nor is the opposite true.
*sigh* You continue to see this as some kind of rational thing on the part of your girlfriend; that she's being irrational, and thus you have to be the rational one until you can convince her she's wrong or she sees the light. You are applying male thinking to your very female girlfriend. Newsflash: men and women do not think the same way. Women are generally much more driven by emotion than men are, and you are dismissing this at your peril.

You have not described a girlfriend who is asking you to surrender other friends, or to quit a job, so I think it's dishonest that you raised those red herrings (believe me, if she did, I'd be first in line telling you to run). You've described a girlfriend who is generally very good to you (and you're generally very good to her) and would like to make a serious commitment with you, but has a significant emotional scar caused by infidelity. You want to treat that scar as something you had no part in and thus see no need to deal with; you interpret her even asking you for help with it (in her own roundabout way) as simply irrational. I think that's a pretty selfish way to treat her feelings.

Since you show zero desire to sever your friendship with your single female friends, you are in for one of two outcomes I think:
  • Your girlfriend will eventually come around and your relationship will be all right. This will not be a result of you convincing her she's wrong; she has to reach this state on her own. You can look forward to several more weeks/months of strain until this happens.
  • Your girlfriend will not come around and your relationship will end, again following several more weeks/months of strain. Your principals will remain intact but your girlfriend will probably never understand why you had to hurt her in this way for so long.
Your other choice is of course to break things off with her, if you genuinely feel this point of principal is that important to you that you can't compromise on it. I don't feel like you've described this as a hill worth dying on.

In any event, with your relationship in this troubled state I would not purchase a home with her. This unresolved point of tension will simply grow if you're living together and financially committed to each other, and possibly lead to an even more explosive breakup.

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12-05-2012, 04:39 PM
  #87
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What's your girlfriend's level of acquaintence with these girls? Has she met them before, are they friendly, etc...

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12-05-2012, 04:55 PM
  #88
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Hey aki everything optimus said up there is true. You can't approach this rationally and you can't balance the situation to come up with a "fair" outcome. There will be many times in a relationship where you will have to choose to sacrifice. Of course just because you do it once doesn't mean you will always be the one to give in. If your relationship is truly as wonderful as you describe and built on good communication as you suggest, then it should not be an issue. The key is to talk things out.

It is true, your friends and your girlfriend do not have to exist in mutually exclusive circles. In the ideal world they would definitely overlap. But you have to realize that if you are planning to commit to this girl (long term or forever) then you should value her above all other relationships. There are ways to do this in a healthy manner without ignoring family and friends. The key is that she knows you value her more and becomes secure in that fact. Right now I would say she isn't 100% secure yet.

And speaking of commitment, have you thought about how long you want to be with her? is this a "let's see how long we can make this last and where it takes us" long term or a "i can definitely spend the rest of my life with her" long term? you'd better figure that out before cosigning a mortgage and creating a financial **** storm for yourself down the road.

Coming back to the issue at hand, is it possible for her to get to know these girls more? you mentioned all going for drinks once. Has this happened again? perhaps you can bargain with her and say that if, after a dozen hangouts, she still can't stand her presence then fine you will wean the friend from your life. This is of course assuming you are willing to make this sacrifice. Don't offer it if you have no intention of following through.

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12-05-2012, 06:02 PM
  #89
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I agree with Optimus2861 here.

Sounds like your GF's demands aren't that ridiculous. Sure, you should be able to have female friends without her being upset about it. But, she has obviously been hurt in the past and any time you try to explain things to her about your female friends she will see it from an emotional angle.

Show her that you care for her feelings and slowly stop seeing your female friends. She might come around eventually. Some girlfriends don't want their BFs even hanging out with their MALE friends. Your GF doesn't seem that insecure.

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12-05-2012, 07:03 PM
  #90
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I agree with Optimus2861 here.

Sounds like your GF's demands aren't that ridiculous. Sure, you should be able to have female friends without her being upset about it. But, she has obviously been hurt in the past and any time you try to explain things to her about your female friends she will see it from an emotional angle.

Show her that you care for her feelings and slowly stop seeing your female friends. She might come around eventually. Some girlfriends don't want their BFs even hanging out with their MALE friends. Your GF doesn't seem that insecure.
I think it's ridiculous. Yes, she's insecure because she's been hurt in the past, but that is no reason for him to not be able to hangout with a friend just because she's a girl. I think as a grown woman she should learn to deal with her insecurities instead of him having to cut off his friends for her. There's sacrifices and there are ridiculous demands. This is a ridiculous demand. You can't stop hanging out or talking to friends just because she's a woman and your girlfriend is insecure.

I think what you should do instead is introduce your girlfriend to them if you haven't already. Try to make them become friends. If she knows the girl, maybe she'll be less insecure about the whole thing and you can all hangout together as a group of friends.

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12-05-2012, 07:17 PM
  #91
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Originally Posted by Buck Aki Berg View Post
She has no problem with me spending time with my male friends. If I go out for a beer with any guy friends, no problem at all. If I tell her I’m going out for a beer with one of my one or two female friends, god help me.

In general, I plan the time with my friends (regardless of gender) for when she has something else planned (I do this at my own accord, not at her request). She has language classes two nights a week, and rather than sit at home and stare at the walls, I might get together with a friend. Most of the time that I see my friends on the weekend, it’s either because she’s working or has plans of her own with her own friends.
The situation you're describing is why people who say men and women can't just be friends feel that way. In a way it has less to do with the two people in question than it does with tangentially "affected" parties. No matter what your girlfriend says she still feels that these girls are a threat to her happiness, even if she doesn't think it.

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12-05-2012, 08:37 PM
  #92
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I have this horrible problem where I will get physically attracted and focus on one girl despite not knowing her that well. I put that ***** on a pedestal. This has happened twice in the last year, and when one girl rejected me after initially showing "interest" (either I wasn't who she expected I was, I think she was looking for someone a bit more outgoing and I put on the facade of outgoing confident idiot, or she was trying to set me up with her friend), and it took me ****ing forever to get over, which was so stupid. It pissed me off because I knew it was stupid, and I just couldn't get over it.

And now I did it again, where I make big things out of mole hills (holding eye contact? Laughing at bad jokes? OMGWTFBBQ SHE LIKEZ ME!!!) and now I'm stuck where I want to talk to her, but I have an image of her in my mind that is already built up, so I can't talk to her. I get pissed that I don't man up and talk to her, and pissed that I have put so much into this despite not knowing her that well.

Just needed to vent, will probably enthrall my friend on an upcoming bus ride with all this emotional ****.

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12-05-2012, 09:33 PM
  #93
nightfighter
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Originally Posted by Hades View Post
I think it's ridiculous. Yes, she's insecure because she's been hurt in the past, but that is no reason for him to not be able to hangout with a friend just because she's a girl. I think as a grown woman she should learn to deal with her insecurities instead of him having to cut off his friends for her. There's sacrifices and there are ridiculous demands. This is a ridiculous demand. You can't stop hanging out or talking to friends just because she's a woman and your girlfriend is insecure.

I think what you should do instead is introduce your girlfriend to them if you haven't already. Try to make them become friends. If she knows the girl, maybe she'll be less insecure about the whole thing and you can all hangout together as a group of friends.
Except you can't really categorize sacrifices like that. some are bigger than others, yes. Is this one case where the demand is rather unreasonable? yes again. But its a choice; no one is forcing him to do it. The GF certainly can't. You have to weigh the relationship with the girl friend against the relationship with the girlfriend. One's happiness should be more important than the other's. And if you're thinking about it solely from your own happiness point of view then you really don't understand love in a relationship at all.

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12-05-2012, 10:19 PM
  #94
DeflatedFootball7
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So the girl I was mentioning texted me last night that she misses me. But then she said "life goes on", and she isn't sure about "us". Women.

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12-05-2012, 11:00 PM
  #95
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Originally Posted by Plan The Parade View Post
I have this horrible problem where I will get physically attracted and focus on one girl despite not knowing her that well. I put that ***** on a pedestal. This has happened twice in the last year, and when one girl rejected me after initially showing "interest" (either I wasn't who she expected I was, I think she was looking for someone a bit more outgoing and I put on the facade of outgoing confident idiot, or she was trying to set me up with her friend), and it took me ****ing forever to get over, which was so stupid. It pissed me off because I knew it was stupid, and I just couldn't get over it.

And now I did it again, where I make big things out of mole hills (holding eye contact? Laughing at bad jokes? OMGWTFBBQ SHE LIKEZ ME!!!) and now I'm stuck where I want to talk to her, but I have an image of her in my mind that is already built up, so I can't talk to her. I get pissed that I don't man up and talk to her, and pissed that I have put so much into this despite not knowing her that well.

Just needed to vent, will probably enthrall my friend on an upcoming bus ride with all this emotional ****.
I'm not saying I endorse this but I had a roommate in college who would always look for a beautiful girl's physical flaws, however minor they might be. He said it helped him keep from putting it on a pedestal and made them more approachable.

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Old
12-05-2012, 11:09 PM
  #96
Lonny Bohonos
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Originally Posted by DeflatedFootball7 View Post
So the girl I was mentioning texted me last night that she misses me. But then she said "life goes on", and she isn't sure about "us". Women.
Hope your reply was "im also not sure about "you" women!"

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12-05-2012, 11:12 PM
  #97
Lonny Bohonos
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*sigh* You continue to see this as some kind of rational thing on the part of your girlfriend; that she's being irrational, and thus you have to be the rational one until you can convince her she's wrong or she sees the light. You are applying male thinking to your very female girlfriend. Newsflash: men and women do not think the same way. Women are generally much more driven by emotion than men are, and you are dismissing this at your peril.

You have not described a girlfriend who is asking you to surrender other friends, or to quit a job, so I think it's dishonest that you raised those red herrings (believe me, if she did, I'd be first in line telling you to run). You've described a girlfriend who is generally very good to you (and you're generally very good to her) and would like to make a serious commitment with you, but has a significant emotional scar caused by infidelity. You want to treat that scar as something you had no part in and thus see no need to deal with; you interpret her even asking you for help with it (in her own roundabout way) as simply irrational. I think that's a pretty selfish way to treat her feelings.

Since you show zero desire to sever your friendship with your single female friends, you are in for one of two outcomes I think:
  • Your girlfriend will eventually come around and your relationship will be all right. This will not be a result of you convincing her she's wrong; she has to reach this state on her own. You can look forward to several more weeks/months of strain until this happens.
  • Your girlfriend will not come around and your relationship will end, again following several more weeks/months of strain. Your principals will remain intact but your girlfriend will probably never understand why you had to hurt her in this way for so long.
Your other choice is of course to break things off with her, if you genuinely feel this point of principal is that important to you that you can't compromise on it. I don't feel like you've described this as a hill worth dying on.

In any event, with your relationship in this troubled state I would not purchase a home with her. This unresolved point of tension will simply grow if you're living together and financially committed to each other, and possibly lead to an even more explosive breakup.
Hes actually correct in his response because you made it a false either/or.

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12-05-2012, 11:37 PM
  #98
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Aki,

You have the right to your friends. If she trusts you, then there shouldn't be a problem. If she doesn't trust you, then your relationship has issues.

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12-05-2012, 11:46 PM
  #99
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Originally Posted by DeflatedFootball7 View Post
So the girl I was mentioning texted me last night that she misses me. But then she said "life goes on", and she isn't sure about "us". Women.
She's confused about you. But women need to send conflicting texts and have men read between the lines, for w/e reason.

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12-05-2012, 11:53 PM
  #100
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Originally Posted by DeflatedFootball7 View Post
So the girl I was mentioning texted me last night that she misses me. But then she said "life goes on", and she isn't sure about "us". Women.
What do you want from this girl?

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