The Totems was a ridiculous team name the first time around and it would be just as ridiculous now. The Metropolitans wouldn't work because it would be shortened to Mets, so they would need to just call themselves the Metros from the start if they want to go that route. Do something creative with your name instead of just trying to do all this regional stuff. Give the fans something cool to embrace that sounds unique and could actually lead to them having a cool logo, great merch and a notable mascot. Call 'em the Sasquatch for all I care, just don't use inanimate objects, the music scene, the weather or your location as the sole basis for creating a name. It's tired and it's boring.
I think we agree on pretty much everything that makes a good team name but your dislike of the Totems moniker is clouding your judgment. All the criteria you have for a great name actually fits the Totems to a T.
It's not a coincidence that so many sports teams use local themes. Regional names work. They fit because they connect with their intended audience and that's exactly what branding experts want. If you take a look around the NHL you'll notice the great majority of teams have regional themes. I count 21 NHL teams and Totems would hardly look out of place in the league.
Totems is an excellent name. It already connects with people from the Pacific Northwest and it has really good branding potential. Calling it ridiculous is silly. Totems is no different than Sabres, Blue Jackets, Maple Leafs, Red Wings etc. It's an inanimate object but it has infinite room for creativity and it is very unique. It would be extremely easy to come up with a great looking logo. I mean cmon... have you seen any of the original Totems jerseys? Those uniforms are bloody classics! If the Totems 1977 NHL expansion franchise wasn't aborted those uniforms would easily be in the top ten NHL uniforms of all time.