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Have you ever had an SO say to you no hockey when we can spend time together doing,

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Old
02-04-2013, 12:58 PM
  #1
beenhereandthere
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Have you ever had an SO say to you no hockey when we can spend time together doing,

something else, even if it's staying home and watching TV?
If you were given this ultimatum, no matter how it was phrased, how did you handle it?
I can understand, a little (even though I still think it's wrong), if you're married and you have kids under 14, or if you're playing hockey more than spending time with her when she's available, but other than that, I think that's, well, you know.
Maybe this belongs in the wrong forum, the mods can move it if they see fit, but seems to me that trying to balance time, to play, hockey, is part of rink issues.
Or for that matter, any other athletic endeavor. I mean, it's athletics that helps the mind and body, not like drinking or gambling.

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02-04-2013, 01:11 PM
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roffleburger
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beenhereandthere View Post
something else, even if it's staying home and watching TV?
If you were given this ultimatum, no matter how it was phrased, how did you handle it?
I can understand, a little (even though I still think it's wrong), if you're married and you have kids under 14, or if you're playing hockey more than spending time with her when she's available, but other than that, I think that's, well, you know.
Maybe this belongs in the wrong forum, the mods can move it if they see fit, but seems to me that trying to balance time, to play, hockey, is part of rink issues.
Or for that matter, any other athletic endeavor. I mean, it's athletics that helps the mind and body, not like drinking or gambling.
Did she give you a reason as to why she said no? It could be control issues, or it could actually be because you two don't spend enough time together. If you feel that you DO spend enough time together, have a discussion with her about it, and find out as to why she didn't want you to go and play hockey. Just throwing it out there, but I find alot of guys tend to spend just as much time talking about hockey as they do playing it, which can, at times, overwhelm their significant other and paint "hockey" in a negative light.

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02-04-2013, 01:12 PM
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Hugh Madbrough
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A shutout never talked to me. Actually I've never played goal so I don't know.

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02-04-2013, 01:13 PM
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Ozz
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A shutout never talked to me. Actually I've never played goal so I don't know.
What about a shootout?

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02-04-2013, 01:23 PM
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run now!

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02-04-2013, 01:25 PM
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What about a shootout?
What's a Girlfriend?

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02-04-2013, 01:38 PM
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beenhereandthere
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Quote:
Originally Posted by roffleburger View Post
Did she give you a reason as to why she said no? It could be control issues, or it could actually be because you two don't spend enough time together. If you feel that you DO spend enough time together, have a discussion with her about it, and find out as to why she didn't want you to go and play hockey. Just throwing it out there, but I find alot of guys tend to spend just as much time talking about hockey as they do playing it, which can, at times, overwhelm their significant other and paint "hockey" in a negative light.
I only skate 2 times a week, when I used to do 3 (unless you count refing, which makes it 3 when I ref, that's like a PT job though), since I've tried to be sensitive to it. Even with that, I still spend, at least 75% of our mutual time that we have off together.


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02-04-2013, 01:41 PM
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My SO is great here, as she wants me to be active and has a nice practical attitude that if I paid for it then I damn well better not miss it. Even though she doesn't like hockey she'd probably be mad at me if I decided to skip it to watch TV on the couch or something like that... though not that I would.

Though I did start to get the impression that she was starting to get annoyed with my 11:00PM Friday night shinny sessions I started going to back in the summer. But that turned into playing on a second team which I was aiming for so it only lasted two months.

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02-04-2013, 02:12 PM
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My team and I are very fortunate to have understanding WaGs. The ladies turn it into an outing, so I suppose it's a weekly night out kind of thing for them. Means we always have a cheering section for us, even if we're getting destroyed. Suppose it also helps that we hit up a bar or something after every game.

Although they don't always watch us play. One once said as much, adding in "yeah sometimes we just sit in the stands and talk crap about you guys. Uh oh...

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02-04-2013, 02:36 PM
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Is hockey something you went into the marriage with or picked up along the way?

My ex-wife loved that I played and didnt' even care when I was playing in 3 leagues and 3-4 times a week as longs as she got the same amount of money I was spending and I spent equal time if not more with her. She was well aware that hockey is a huge part of my life going into the deal and we had discussed it.

I've also had SO's where it was an issue. It might not be the time as much as it is the passion/excitement. I don't mean sexually. I just mean in general. I had a SO that felt that she had to compete with hockey. I'd always get excited if the hockey came up in conversation and that bothered her because I don't excited about much of anything at all let alone anything she was passionate about. So I had to learn to be more expressive even if I was faking it. "We're going to see your family? AWESOME! I can't wait!" Eventually she enjoyed that I played and would come out to playoff games and what not. It probably helped that her family loved coming to my games for some reason.

Anywho, point is the time and/or money might not be the entire issue. Talk to her and keep digging until you find the true reason. If it's nothing more than time/money, you're golden because those are the easiest things to adjust to.

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02-04-2013, 02:40 PM
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SJGoalie32
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If it's a girl you're not married to and haven't been dating long? GOODBYE! Simply kick her to the curb and don't look back.

If it's a girl you are married to......you shouldn't marry a girl who doesn't fully support your interest level in hockey. Playing a team sport isn't just about indulging your own personal interests (although that is important, too), it also requires a commitment to your teammates. A wife of all people should appreciate someone who is trying to fulfill a commitment they made to others.

Whether it's playing or just being a fan, you should understand your own interest/commitment level to the game and make that known to your girl well before you get married. If she can handle that level of dedication to hockey, great. If not, then she probably isn't the right girl for you.....since the right girl will support you in doing the things you enjoy doing, just as you should support her in her hobbies.

That being said, especially when marriage and kids become involved, there does have to be a reasonable balance. I'm a married father now. I can't afford (time-wise or money-wise) to be on 5 different teams AND play pickup games like I used to do in my college/post-college single days. Asking me to limit my play to 2 teams/games per week is, IMO, a reasonable request. Asking me to skip the occasional game or two for an important family event (vacation, birthday dinner for in-laws, take care of kid while she's sick, etc.) is reasonable. And it's certainly fair to ask that I be fair and give her time together, or time with the kids, or time with family/friends, or even time just for herself on the nights when I don't have a game if she's done that for me twice every week.

But date nights can be scheduled for other evenings. So can many other events. A good partner understands your schedule, supports your interests, and makes as many reasonable accommodations as she can to facilitate them. If she doesn't, she isn't a good partner for you. If there is an unavoidable scheduling conflict, there should be a discussion about which event is more meaningful and which would be more reasonable to attend/skip, but ultimatums without discussion are simply unacceptable in any relationship.

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02-04-2013, 02:40 PM
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JR97
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Forgot to add this: On my main team there are 2 girls. One is the wife of the goalie and the other is just one of our friends. We're a pretty tight group and all hang out socially and most of the WAGS are considered part of the team family although I know my ex and probably one other WAG resented not being part of the inside jokes and what not when the girls on the team were all over that stuff.

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02-04-2013, 02:44 PM
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beenhereandthere
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BTW, we aren't married, but been together for just over 1/2 a year and for sure talked about serious future plans (at least moving in together). During the 1st 3 months of this though, she really didn't verbalize issues with me and my hockey and other sports, don't know what has happened during the last 3 (again, still spending 75-80% of our mutual free time together, not including actual sleeping during sleepovers, which would make that more like 90% plus).


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02-04-2013, 02:48 PM
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don't know what has happened during the last 3?
welcome to the world of women.

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02-04-2013, 02:49 PM
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that's the honeymoon phase. People often let things that irk them slide, or think they're cute, until they've been around them for a while. If someone you're dating is giving you a hard time over ANYTHING in the first couple months, just run and don't look back

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02-04-2013, 02:52 PM
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SJGoalie32
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Originally Posted by JR97 View Post
Forgot to add this: On my main team there are 2 girls. One is the wife of the goalie and the other is just one of our friends. We're a pretty tight group and all hang out socially and most of the WAGS are considered part of the team family although I know my ex and probably one other WAG resented not being part of the inside jokes and what not when the girls on the team were all over that stuff.
Before we married, my wife felt like a little bit of an outsider once, but she never resented it.

She said the best way to deal with feeling like a bit of an outsider is to 1) spend more time around the team (post-game beers/hangouts, etc.) so that she eventually DOES get in on the inside jokes; and/or 2) understand this is a hockey team, that the hockey team isn't and shouldn't be all about herself, and so simply accept the fact that she factually IS an outsider and thus there are probably going to be some things that she isn't totally in the loop on, and that that is okay.

Quote:
Originally Posted by beenhereandthere View Post
BTW, we aren't married, but been together for just over 1/2 a year and for sure talked about serious future plans (at least moving in together). During the 1st 3 months of this though, she really didn't verbalize issues with me and my hockey and other sports, don't know what has happened during the last 3?
Probably a good time to start communicating about this.

Forget even about marriage....if you're going to be spending much of the next year playing on several teams, you've got to know if she is willing to support you in that pursuit and how enthusiastically/begrudgingly she is behind you.

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02-04-2013, 02:55 PM
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Nope and if given the ultimatum, I'd be gone. The father with kids argument isn't even valid, most of the guys I play hockey with are fathers with kids ranging from newborn to 20s. They all still play on a weekly basis. As for spending more time playing hockey than with her when available, how often are you even playing hockey vs how often is she available? There are plenty of morning leagues out there for before work. If you're only playing twice a week and that's all the time you can spend with her, you're probably not in good enough of a relationship that she should be expecting you to give up anything for her or it just wouldn't work out based on how little time she has.

tl;dr edition - Play hockey, if she leaves, you're better off. Do you really want to be with somebody who makes you stop doing something you love?

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02-04-2013, 02:59 PM
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beenhereandthere
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Nope and if given the ultimatum, I'd be gone. The father with kids argument isn't even valid, most of the guys I play hockey with are fathers with kids ranging from newborn to 20s. They all still play on a weekly basis. As for spending more time playing hockey than with her when available, how often are you even playing hockey vs how often is she available? There are plenty of morning leagues out there for before work. If you're only playing twice a week and that's all the time you can spend with her, you're probably not in good enough of a relationship that she should be expecting you to give up anything for her or it just wouldn't work out based on how little time she has.

tl;dr edition - Play hockey, if she leaves, you're better off. Do you really want to be with somebody who makes you stop doing something you love?

Not to sound sexist, but it's actually cool, to get men's input for this.
Again, though, even with up to 3 skates (2 drop ins and 1 refereeing, that doesn't even happen every week, refffing, which is an actual job) it's still at least 75% plus of mutual free time that I spend with her.
In the Seattle/Tacoma area, save for a 530a skate on a Saturday AM, there aren't any AM skates that I'm aware of.


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02-04-2013, 03:00 PM
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No, I haven't. I play once a week, max. Not really a big time constraint. Now, if I was gone several nights a week, that could be an issue.

IMO, probably one of a couple things...

1. You're legitimately spending too much time at hockey, like 3+ nights a week. That might be excessive, especially if you've got kids and work and stuff. Doesn't sound like the case.

2. The time you spend together isn't meaningful enough for her. As in, yeah you might watch TV together or have dinner, but maybe she wants you to focus on her more, like ask her about her day, take her out for an evening, etc. Having been through couples counseling with my ex, this is a "problem" for like 99% of couples and always something that can be improved

3. She either doesn't like you playing hockey, is incredibly needy, or is a control freak. All three of these things point to RUN. Half serious here. Couples are made of individuals with their own hobbies, passions, etc and you need time to yourself and your interests and friends. If she's not okay with that, hockey's going to just be the beginning of problems.

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02-04-2013, 03:10 PM
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Ozz
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Mine doesn't care. She plays soccer, I almost never go. I play hockey (a couple times per week) and from spring-fall do some other things that are far more infrequent but take up the better portion of a day - and she might go once per year to one of each.

There's plenty of downtime which helps, plus a lot of our activities run on top of each other so we end up being out of the house at the same time anyway.

If it did become a concern I'm sure we'd first attempt to accompany one another more frequently. I see full families with babies in carriages, having dinner out of a bag, etc. at the rinks on a weekly basis, so I can appreciate those who do what it takes so one another can seem to "have everything". That's what it's all about!

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02-04-2013, 03:15 PM
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I laid the law down when my fiancee and I started dating 8 1/2 years ago. She's given grief a few times but never to the point to where I haven't played.

I can tell you this, we are having a destination wedding in June, the weekend before that is nationals in Toronto that my team is attending, the weekend AFTER the wedding I am playing in Chicago as well. She's not too thrilled about it.

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02-04-2013, 03:46 PM
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JR97
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Having been through couples counseling with my ex, this is a "problem" for like 99% of couples and always something that can be improved
You too? But yeah.. it's amazing how much of a difference learning to communicate with women can make compared to just winging it.

I mean if she asks "how was your day?" and you say "fine." and that's the end of it.. that's gonna be a problem if it already isn't. You probably learned that the hard way, too, eh? Couple that with your buddy asking about your game and you go off for 20 minutes...

That's why I said the time/money may not be the true underlying issue. Might have to do some digging.

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02-04-2013, 03:46 PM
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Originally Posted by beenhereandthere View Post
something else, even if it's staying home and watching TV?
If you were given this ultimatum, no matter how it was phrased, how did you handle it?
I can understand, a little (even though I still think it's wrong), if you're married and you have kids under 14, or if you're playing hockey more than spending time with her when she's available, but other than that, I think that's, well, you know.
Maybe this belongs in the wrong forum, the mods can move it if they see fit, but seems to me that trying to balance time, to play, hockey, is part of rink issues.
Or for that matter, any other athletic endeavor. I mean, it's athletics that helps the mind and body, not like drinking or gambling.
That's kind of an interesting question. I'm only playing once a week nowadays, and my girlfriend understands that I need my time to do my own things. Likewise, I get that she needs time to do her stuff, so we end up having a pretty happy medium.

I don't mind missing the odd game here and there to spend time with her, but for the most part if I were asked to miss something like 3 out of 4 games for the month I'd be pretty agitated.

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02-04-2013, 04:00 PM
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Been together 15 years. I play hockey. (Ref mostly now), she understands.

That said, games on birthdays, kids events, come first, although she did tell me to play once on her birthday and we went out after.

(She's a keeper )

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02-04-2013, 04:03 PM
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beenhereandthere
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You too? But yeah.. it's amazing how much of a difference learning to communicate with women can make compared to just winging it.

I mean if she asks "how was your day?" and you say "fine." and that's the end of it.. that's gonna be a problem if it already isn't. You probably learned that the hard way, too, eh? Couple that with your buddy asking about your game and you go off for 20 minutes...

That's why I said the time/money may not be the true underlying issue. Might have to do some digging.
I for sure, just don't say "fine", if she asks how my day went. Not that she does it most of the time, but she's more likely, to just give a one or 2 word answer to a ? like that than I am.
Maybe I just have to face the sad reality that it's just too much hearing/being around someone who plays/talks hockey for her? (I don't think she hates it, but thinks it's ok at best and only saw 1 game in person before I met her) She's originally from a small town where 90% of the people probably don't even know how to hold a stick properly.


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