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NHL Lockout Discusion XXXV: Gary Bettman, Commissioner of Christmas

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Old
12-26-2012, 12:16 AM
  #1
Chairman Maouth
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NHL Lockout Discusion XXXV: Gary Bettman, Commissioner of Christmas



Cover art for Gary Bettman, Commissioner of Christmas.
Photograph by: Chloe Ezra , Puck Daddy

"Gary Bettman, Commissioner of Christmas" is an NHL lockout-inspired holiday tale written by Harrison Mooney of Canucks blog Pass it to Bulis, originally published at the Yahoo! sports blog Puck Daddy. Visit Puck Daddy for video narration of the poem and more original art by Chloe Ezra.

-

In Santa's shop, where Christmastime's the time of year most prized,

The elves' belief in labour rights is often vocalized.

They may be Santa's helpers, and they may be under-sized,

But they stand tall together ever since they unionized.

-

No elf will tolerate unsafe conditions or abuses,

They all insist on dental, pensions, health care and masseuses.

What's more, they want a cut of snacks that Santa's ride produces:

All chocolate, candy canes and cakes, all milk and Christmas mousses.

-

See, Santa doesn't gobble all those cookies on the spot,

Nor does he drink a glass of nog til' all the elves have got

The Holiday-Related Revelry he must allot -

The H.R.R. their bargaining agreement says he ought.

-

But one day, Santa checked the books, and said, "They've gone too far!"

"Those greedy elves are getting more than half of H.R.R.!"

The children of the world leave out these snacks for me, but our

Arrangement has estranged me from my once-full cookie jar!"

-

"We must re-work the CBA to fix this fatal flaw,"

He muttered. But he was no labour lawyer - this, he saw.

"There was an elf," he thought, "Who left the Pole to practice law.

Perhaps he'll represent me." Santa stroked his bearded jaw.

-

So Santa gathered Cupid, Comet, Vixen and the crew,

Then off to Gary Bettman's house the man and reindeer flew.

"I need a favour, Gary," said he, "What am I to do?"

I need to crush a union. No one does it quite like you."

-

"Please help," said Santa, "I've got no ideas whatsoever."

And Gary Bettman nodded, then he promised to endeavour.

He looked the offer over, and said, "Here's a clause to sever:

These lifetime contracts have to go, since elves can live forever.

-

"And sleigh fuel costs are off the charts. Those reindeer really pack

The butter tarts away! It must be all that weight in back."

Then Bettman said, "It's part of why you're never in the black.

The elves should pay for some of that, since they fill up the sack."

-

"We'll get 'em," Bettman said, as Santa steered the North-bound herd,

"You'll have your new agreement by December 23rd." And

there, inside the open sleigh, all airborne like a bird,

His title as Commissioner of Christmas was conferred.

-

So Bettman drafted his proposal, soon thereafter sent,

Informing all the elves they'd now get 43 per cent

Of Christmas goods. They balked. To show the business that he meant,

He kicked the elves out, locked the shop and, whistling, off he went.

-

Next day, he ventured out to see the elves and speechified

That it would take shared sacrifice to bridge this great divide.

"What sacrifices have you made?" The angry elves replied.

"I came out here," said Bettman, "And it's really cold outside."

-

The elves were unimpressed, so Bettman pressed, "Now hear this: there'll

Be no Christmas at all if dialogue remains this sterile.

If you had any passion for the season you imperil,

You'd sign." But they just turned their backs, and sang a Christmas carol.

-

Eventually, some elves got bored with huddling in the breeze. Some

headed back to elf school. Others headed overseas

To work as Père Noel or Sinter Klaas's employees,

While Bettman and the Union tried to figure out the freeze.

-

October and November passed, the elves refused to budge.

With CBA negotiating slowing to a trudge,

The Union gave a stipend of ten thousand pounds of fudge

To every hungry elf (a sort of "you hang in there" nudge).

-

A 50/50 split was offered, but provisional

On no transition pay. "But then we won't be paid in full,"

The elves responded, "Santa has to make us ho-ho-whole."

"No," Bettman said, continuing the stoppage at the Pole.

-

"You have to solve this!" Santa cried, "Lest little girls and boys

Are made by this to suffer through a Christmas without toys!"

So Bettman tried a stratagem he oftentimes employs:

Attack the union rep to discombobulate their poise.

-

"He's after Christmas," Bettman told the elves. "No big surprise.

He's from the Easter Bunny Union. That's where his heart lies."

Some elves believed, but others said, "It's just a ploy, you guys."

And thus, it put the two sides further from a compromise.

-

A troubled Santa summoned Bettman, cheeks a cherry red.

"What's going on?!" He grumbled, nervous-eating gingerbread,

"We'll have to cancel Christmas if the elves don't pack the sled!

Assure me that won't happen, Gary." Here's what Bettman said:

-

"I think the elves hate Christmas with a fiery elven zeal.

If you ask me," he said, "They just don't want to make a deal.

I think they'd rather sit there in a snowbank than get real."

They'd rather freeze and starve to death, I think that's how they feel."

-

Around and round the drain, the whole of Christmas season swirled.

Until, by Christmas Eve, no new agreement was unfurled.

So Bettman broke the news to Santa, upper lip all curled:

"It's all right," said he. "Christmas has the best fans in the world."

THE END

© Copyright (c) The Vancouver Sun

Read more: http://www.vancouversun.com/sports/G...#ixzz2G8D1oQSH

Puck Daddy

Reprinted with the explicit permission of the author.

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12-27-2012, 02:25 PM
  #2
HANDZ 57
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Why not start the page off with a long rant... From the last page.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OneSharpMarble View Post
God forbid the owners run their team with any sort of intelligence and thought! Or the league choose franchise locations on anything that resembles stability. Why should they need to do that, 50% will be far too much for a bunch of stick swinging high school drops outs at the next CBA. Drop em down to 40% and set up a team in Hawaii.

How do you possibly split up a paltry 200 million? I burn more in my fireplace FFS!
The blues have been running heir team with intelligence for about the past 5 years after Laurie left it in shambles. They built a team from the draft and grew a solid core without going out and spending huge dollars (except for Kariya).

I'm not talking about other locations here. I'm talking about St. Louis, a place that most people would view as a valid market, that's had a team for 45 years. Yet we still garnered very little interest when the team was for sale. Who wants to buy a team that is already being fiscally responsible, yet needs to make the playoffs in order to get slightly in the black?

As far as the 200 million dollars in the fireplace is concerned. Yes, 200 million is alot of money, but in an industry that generated 3.3 billion dollars, 200 million is dog ****.

So you have a 3.3 million dollar pie
1.8 goes to the players
1.5 goes to the owners
1.3 of the owners share goes to other costs
and the owners are left with 200 million.

And people think that the league should be able to function properly with that distribution? I don't care where you move the poor clubs to, that isn't going to boost revenues up enough for the rest of the mid tier teams. Unless the NHL can get an MLB/NFL type TV deal, the players should not be comanding 57% of the pie. Their numbers dwarf whatever an owner might see, and they're the ones taking on all the risk. That's why teams won't garner much interest if they're for sale, unless you're selling one of the top 5 teams, or you're lucky enough to find a Pegula who is willing to throw cash around.

Let's look at your 40% you were joking about.

last year's 3.3 billion would have been
***1.3 billion to the players
2 billion to the owners
1.3 of the owners share to other costs
700 mil profit for owners

players "profits" would still be almost double that of the owners, and the owners would have a lot more on the table, to be split up amongst themselves (not equally of course...).

So while you're 40% was pretty much said in jest, it makes a lot more sense to me than the current split. The only way the 57% makes sense is if the NHL gets a 1bil/year or more TV deal, which isn't happening any time soon.

***The players average would be 1.85 million a year, which they would never for a million years go for. Although, what is the average salary in the next best league?

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12-27-2012, 02:34 PM
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This is getting really old.


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12-27-2012, 02:52 PM
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Thought this was kind of interesting.

From St. Louis Blues writer Andy Strickland http://www.truehockey.com/articles/N...ve-Given-NHLPA

"I had a good talk Wednesday afternoon with former goaltender and current CBC analyst Glenn Healy. He was a known player’s supporter last time around in 2004 which led to him taking a job with the NHLPA. This time his feelings have changed.

'Philosophically I was opposed to the salary cap but it worked out pretty well for the players. This time it shouldn’t be this difficult, what are they dragging their feet for?'

The players have already given up $1 billion and with each passing day they lose an additional $10 million. That’s $10 million they’ll never get back."

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12-27-2012, 03:05 PM
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Daniel Brière decides to finish the season in Berlin?
http://tvasports.ca/hockey/briere-reste-berlin-27122012

Quote:
Daniel Brière demeurera avec les Eisbären de Berlin jusqu’à la fin de la saison.

C’est ce qu’a annoncé jeudi la formation allemande par l’entremise de son compte Twitter.

Brière a pris cette décision au moment où le lock-out dans la Ligue nationale de hockey en est à sa 103e journée.
Translation:
Quote:
Daniel Brière will stay with Berlin Eisbären up until the end of the season.

That's what announced the german team on their Twitter account thursday.

Brière has made this decision on the 103rd day of the NHL lockout.
Hmm.. I don't know how that could play out with his NHL contract if the lockout comes to an end in January? Anybody has more on this?

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12-27-2012, 03:08 PM
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Originally Posted by HANDZ 57 View Post
So you have a 3.3 million dollar pie
1.8 goes to the players
1.5 goes to the owners
1.3 of the owners share goes to other costs
and the owners are left with 200 million.
?
You're missing step #1, which is "Start with a ~$4B pie but pretend it's only $3.3B".

Then you end up with the owners being left with nearly a billion dollars at the end of it.

 
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12-27-2012, 03:08 PM
  #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lint07 View Post
Daniel Brière decides to finish the season in Berlin?
http://tvasports.ca/hockey/briere-reste-berlin-27122012



Translation:


Hmm.. I don't know how that could play out with his NHL contract if the lockout comes to an end in January? Anybody has more on this?
No idea if it's true or not, but I imagine that even if Philly COULD void his contract over it, they wouldn't want to. And beyond that, I'm not sure there's much they could do?

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12-27-2012, 03:17 PM
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Originally Posted by MPF24 View Post
No idea if it's true or not, but I imagine that even if Philly COULD void his contract over it, they wouldn't want to. And beyond that, I'm not sure there's much they could do?
Don't think Briere would stay in Germany and forfeit a much higher salary.

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12-27-2012, 03:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dado View Post
You're missing step #1, which is "Start with a ~$4B pie but pretend it's only $3.3B".

Then you end up with the owners being left with nearly a billion dollars at the end of it.
Wait, the owners are hiding nearly 1B in revenue? Do you have any proof of this?

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12-27-2012, 03:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MPF24 View Post
No idea if it's true or not, but I imagine that even if Philly COULD void his contract over it, they wouldn't want to. And beyond that, I'm not sure there's much they could do?
Well this is under the assumption that there would be a season this year and thus some kind of a cba agreement.

A new CBA will certainly contain a provision that all previous contracts are once again valid, with any required modifications based on the new cba (HRR%, escrow, term limits, etc). These terms would be negotiated by the NHLPA, of which Briere is a member.

Under a new cba, Briere would once again be under contract with the Flyers. He would then be in violation of his contract if he did not return.

Just a reality of having a 700 player union with many signing on with other jobs during a labor dispute. Once the dispute is over those players, their agents, and their overseas teams are all in a tight spot.

Unless of course the new cba in some way allows that all previous contracts are void and everyone is a UFA. Of course that will never happen.

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12-27-2012, 03:22 PM
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Quote:
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Wait, the owners are hiding nearly 1B in revenue? Do you have any proof of this?
None whatsoever. If there was even a whiff of credibility of this you can be assured the NHLPA would have this issue front and center. Yet there hasnt been a peep from them accusing the owners of this.


Last edited by MacOfNiagara: 12-27-2012 at 03:23 PM. Reason: typo
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12-27-2012, 03:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snotbubbles View Post
Don't think Briere would stay in Germany and forfeit a much higher salary.
Why not? The players have done a great job showing they are complete morons on every level imaginable already.

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12-27-2012, 03:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dado View Post
You're missing step #1, which is "Start with a ~$4B pie but pretend it's only $3.3B".

Then you end up with the owners being left with nearly a billion dollars at the end of it.
That is a VERY bold claim. I trust you have proof?

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12-27-2012, 03:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MPF24 View Post
No idea if it's true or not, but I imagine that even if Philly COULD void his contract over it, they wouldn't want to. And beyond that, I'm not sure there's much they could do?
Flyers' choice, I think. They can either "toll" his contract or just burn a year without paying him. I'm inclined to think they'd do the latter because Briere's got one of those deals that gets cheaper as it goes. When his deal would expire, if they re-signed him, what they'd re-sign him for would be less than he would be set to make right this second.


Quote:
Don't think Briere would stay in Germany and forfeit a much higher salary.
Well, I think he's already lost half of it, so he'd be sacrificing $3 mil (half season comp) vs Germany salary instead of, I think, $6 mil (full season comp), which is a lot less of a difference.

But you also have to figure Briere's got stuff going on outside of hockey. By that, I mean, if, for instance, he brought his kids with him to Germany, maybe he doesn't want to uproot them during a school year on two days' notice.

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12-27-2012, 03:37 PM
  #15
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Originally Posted by indoor living View Post
"I had a good talk Wednesday afternoon with former goaltender and current CBC analyst Glenn Healy. He was a known player’s supporter last time around in 2004 which led to him taking a job with the NHLPA. This time his feelings have changed.

'Philosophically I was opposed to the salary cap but it worked out pretty well for the players. This time it shouldn’t be this difficult, what are they dragging their feet for?'
That's what every person with at least an ounce of brains on this Earth wants to know.

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12-27-2012, 03:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by indoor living View Post
Thought this was kind of interesting.

From St. Louis Blues writer Andy Strickland http://www.truehockey.com/articles/N...ve-Given-NHLPA

"I had a good talk Wednesday afternoon with former goaltender and current CBC analyst Glenn Healy. He was a known player’s supporter last time around in 2004 which led to him taking a job with the NHLPA. This time his feelings have changed.

'Philosophically I was opposed to the salary cap but it worked out pretty well for the players. This time it shouldn’t be this difficult, what are they dragging their feet for?'
It's new from Healy (who was one of Goodenow's "guys" and a serious union hardliner), specifically, but pretty much every retired PA member or ex-labor guy who is NOT currently involved in these negotiations has been saying the same thing Healy said for 3 months now.

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12-27-2012, 03:42 PM
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Screw the owners, the players, Bettman and Fehr.

No matter how you look at this, the NHL will never be the same whenever it returns, because the players that hit the ice are going to be the greedy players who only play the game for the money.

The playoffs used to be all about pride of winning the cup, from now on its going to be pride of making money, no one cares about the cup.

People can pretend they still care about the NHL, but in reality most fans are going to carry the emotional scar of this greed demonstrated by the players and the league forever.

Happy new year.


Last edited by the_fan: 12-27-2012 at 04:01 PM.
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12-27-2012, 03:43 PM
  #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by billybudd View Post
It's new from Healy (who was one of Goodenow's "guys" and a serious union hardliner), specifically, but pretty much every retired PA member or ex-labor guy who is NOT currently involved in these negotiations has been saying the same thing Healy said for 3 months now.
And the current players will echo the same sentiments in the years to come. Fehr is leading the players off the proverbial cliff but he has done a masterful job at getting them to follow him.

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12-27-2012, 03:46 PM
  #19
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This is actually dragging so much.

Im shocked there hasnt been a push for a meeting.

we have roughly 2 weeks left to finish this thing, I'll be shocked if they arent talking fully by the weekend.

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12-27-2012, 03:47 PM
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People can pretend they still care about the NHL, but in reality most fans are going to carry the emotional scar of this greed demonstrated by the players and the league forever.
I certainly don't feel this way. When hockey returns, I'm watching players who are giving it their all. Teammates can't stand any laziness they see. Any one of use would want to get the money we think we deserve and get can, even if the players are going about it the wrong way.

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12-27-2012, 03:47 PM
  #21
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I don´t have much of money, Im a student here at Finland. I waited and waited. I was safing money to buy another year coverage of NHL-matches.

Now I don´t care a **** about NHL and this season. I bought a "rest of the season"-coverage of my hometown team Kärpät at tuesday. I hope that many of you here at Europe will do the same thing as I did. Lot´s of money are coming from Europe to NHL. Why won´t we all say "enough is enough" and spend our money to our own leagues

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12-27-2012, 03:49 PM
  #22
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That's way more effort than this whole charade deserves Maouth

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12-27-2012, 03:53 PM
  #23
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Well, I think he's already lost half of it, so he'd be sacrificing $3 mil (half season comp) vs Germany salary instead of, I think, $6 mil (full season comp), which is a lot less of a difference.

But you also have to figure Briere's got stuff going on outside of hockey. By that, I mean, if, for instance, he brought his kids with him to Germany, maybe he doesn't want to uproot them during a school year on two days' notice.
Don't think Briere's kids went with him to Germany. But even if they did, the transition back to the US school they've gone to for the past few years would be extremely easy since, they've only been gone for 3 months and they've established roots here. It would have been more of a disturbance to move them to Germany then vice versa.

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12-27-2012, 04:04 PM
  #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by the_fan View Post
Screw the owners, the players, Bettman and Fehr.

No matter how you look at this, the NHL will never be the same whenever it returns, because the players that hit the ice are going to be the greedy players who only play the game for the money.

The playoffs used to be all about pride of winning the cup, from now on its going to be pride of making money, no one cares about the cup.

People can pretend they still care about the NHL, but in reality most fans are going to carry the emotional scar of this greed demonstrated by the players and the league forever.

Happy new year.
It's going to take some time for me honestly...I didn't feel this angry during the last lockout...I was happy when hockey came back, and was stoked to see my team play again. Now? I can't stand those greedy little morons on my team.

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12-27-2012, 04:09 PM
  #25
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It would take "a new move or idea" for NHL talks to re-start, league says. At the moment nothing planned.
https://twitter.com/helenenothelen/s...05273068711936

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