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Around the NHL part 4: season's starting, so let's mock everyone else

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Old
03-27-2012, 09:06 AM
  #1
DaveG
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Around the NHL part 4: season's starting, so let's mock everyone else

continue from here: http://hfboards.hockeysfuture.com/sh....php?t=1026713

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Old
03-27-2012, 09:44 AM
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Blueline Bomber
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I mock you, New York Rangers. You have been mocked. Make a note, that on this day, mocking of the Rangers has been achieved.

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Old
03-27-2012, 10:03 AM
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PaulProteus
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You're a team that likes to throw punches after whistles. You like to throw punches after an official grabs someone. Hell, you just like to throw punches. You went red hot, and proceeded to lose all 4 games in season to the Carolina Hurricanes. I pulled for the Canes to make the playoffs for entirely selfish reasons: that somehow the heavens would reward me by letting us be your first round matchup, and then sweeping you in epic lollerskate fashion.

Your "depth" has more to do with Tim Thomas and Tuukka Rask than the knuckle dragging Thornton and Lucic and their cadre of aspiring knuckle draggers in waiting. Y'all haven't had a likable franchise player since Ray Bourque said "**** this" and left Dodge for a Stanley Cup.

Boston Bruins, consider yourselves mocked.


Last edited by PaulProteus: 03-27-2012 at 10:09 AM.
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Old
03-27-2012, 10:18 AM
  #4
Blueline Bomber
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Your star players can't stay healthy. What good is having center depth if they break more often than an osteoporotic elderly man's hip on a roller-coaster. Your logo is also ridiculous, possibly the most ridiculous in the entire sport. Why would a penguin need skates? It's a penguin. It travels by "tobogganing" across the ice. It means they glide around on their bellies, like this:



Your goaltending is inconsistent, your coach looks like he should be a teacher in Hogwarts, and the popular kids only pretend to like you so they can dump pig's blood on you at the prom.

Pittsburgh Penguins, consider yourself mocked.

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Old
03-27-2012, 10:52 AM
  #5
PaulProteus
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Oh, please. Just ****ing please.



You have twin DERP brothers who refuse to be separated, you say? They live together? Room together? They're the Hanson Brothers but without any male chromosomes? Huh.

Combine this with the fact that your team's style of "hockey" is basically 60-minutes of slap-fighting, and it's certainly a mystery why you're universally reviled outside of Vancouver.
Recently you succeeded in getting Duncan Keith to turn into the "FFFFUUUUU" Rage Guy, so bravo to that as well.

If there's any justice in the universe, you'll face the Blackhawks. Please make it so. That will give you a long off-season to deface churches, because that's what an awful bunch of humans your fans are: they have the ability to turn Milan Lucic into a sympathetic figure.

Vancouver. Canucks. Consider yourselves mocked.

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03-27-2012, 10:55 AM
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nah.................too easy.

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Old
03-27-2012, 10:58 AM
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You made this guy your captain. Enough said

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Old
03-27-2012, 11:02 AM
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PaulProteus
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blueline Bomber View Post


I mock you, New York Rangers. You have been mocked. Make a note, that on this day, mocking of the Rangers has been achieved.

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03-27-2012, 11:07 AM
  #9
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You just couldn't resist, could you? It only takes one out of the thirty to ruin it for everyone involved, and you've gone out and done it. You hired Ken Hitchcock. If you're gonna dance with the Devil, then you better damn well be sure you are going to go all the way, because causing 18,000 people to stab out their eyes some 80 or so times can take its toll.

With David Backes putting the team on his shoulders and superstar power forward Chris Stewart scoring 8 points more than his brother there's surely no stopping you. It's no statistical anomaly: Jaroslav Halak and Brian Elliot are the greatest goaltending tandem in NHL history. In fact, Elliot's Carey Price-adjusted statistics actually give him a GAA of -0.53, which means that in addition to 82 shutouts he has 40 some points. Despite all this, you are still destined for a mid-90's style early round flameout.

St. Louis Blues, consider yourself mocked.

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03-27-2012, 11:13 AM
  #10
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They say that the best thing about sports is that the team becomes an extension of the city and/or region and... well, that's your problem right there, Philadelphia Flyers. I've often thought to myself, "Hey, it would be cool if a sports team took more of its personality traits from North Jersey," and thank you for making me want to soak my brain in bleach for that thought.

Where to begin, Flyers? The Broad Street Bullies? The Lindros Era? Pronger? At least you've spent the better part of the last 35 years trying really hard.

This post is dedicated to you, foul-mouthed idiot in the JVR t-shirt who sat in my section at the last Canes game. I can't wait to discuss all of your Stanley Cup memories when you sober up. Consider yourselves mocked, Philadelphia Flyers.

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03-27-2012, 11:14 AM
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Hey, look its the yearly Stanley Cup Contenders the San Jose Sharks!

How does it feel to be so close every year to getting the ultimate prize only to end up being the ugly brides maid every year?

I better not see any Sharks inspired Because its the cup ads, we all know the only cup the sharks expect to touch is Niclas Wallin


Last edited by Lazyking: 03-27-2012 at 11:22 AM.
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Old
03-27-2012, 11:22 AM
  #12
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You were mistaken for the "Imma Getchu" cats.

You made golf swing imitations during the most recent Canes-Kitties game when you clearly should have gone with curling impressions. That's right, you're probably gonna get swept.


You employ a Mr. Garrison on your team, is that correct?


You collected the rejected players from all the other teams in the NHL this offseason and somehow made that ragtag bunch suck less than usual.

You might be best known for having rats in your old locker room.


Florida Panthers, consider yourselves mocked.


Last edited by bilpeto: 03-27-2012 at 11:28 AM.
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Old
03-27-2012, 11:26 AM
  #13
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Dear Nashville,

Everyone says how you are the main paradigm for success in Southern Markets. Everyone says that teams like Carolina and Columbus, if they wish to be successful, should emulate what you did with your team. Everyone says that the key to building like Nashville is to draft well and build from the goal out.

I know your secret.

In reality, you are nothing more than a Tennessee based Pittsburgh Penguins team (fun fact: a girl who stood me up is from Tennessee, so screw Tennessee!!!!). You lucked out into getting two top 5 players (in this case, defensemen) in the same draft, and for the past 10 years have had them on sweetheart deals.

Well, now that is about to come to an end. You can compete with Weber and Suter making a combined 8 million, but what about a combined 16 million???

And I will joyously dance in the fact that no longer will I be told that the secret to success is to simply get two top 5 players at a key position and have the best goatlending coach in the world.

Sincerely, Captain Tripps

P.S. Since Nashville's era of dominance is about to come to an end, lest they convince Suter/Weber to take a significant paycut to remain in Smashville, I will be cheering for you in the playoffs. 2012 or Bust!!!

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Old
03-27-2012, 11:26 AM
  #14
Blueline Bomber
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How long till a fan from another fanbase wanders over here and gets overly offended?

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Old
03-27-2012, 11:29 AM
  #15
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I'm also a Sharks fan so it should be cool if any of my brethren see my lame attempt to mock them lol.

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03-27-2012, 11:29 AM
  #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blueline Bomber View Post
How long till a fan from another fanbase wanders over here and gets overly offended?
I'm not sure that a fan could be offended by someone whose team hasn't made the playoffs in three years. But that's me.

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Old
03-27-2012, 11:32 AM
  #17
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Erik Karlsson ****ing blows. I base this on watching him 3 times in the last 2 years.

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Old
03-27-2012, 11:39 AM
  #18
Lazyking
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to mock the Sens, just link to this everytime...


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Old
03-27-2012, 11:42 AM
  #19
PaulProteus
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How long till a fan from another fanbase wanders over here and gets overly offended?
Here's to hoping!

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Old
03-27-2012, 11:44 AM
  #20
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to mock the Sens, just link to this everytime...

Or this, for a little variety...


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Old
03-27-2012, 12:01 PM
  #21
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Where oh where to begin.

First of all, before we start talking actual hockey, let's talk about how you caused the NHL to take a GIGANTIC step backwards. You moved a respectable franchise from a great city that is the 7th largest market in North America, to North America's version of Siberia and then to put a cherry on top, completly negated the history and fans of the Thrashers, then threw a hissie fit when you couldn't get Dale Hawerchuck's records. THERE'RE TWO DIFFERENT TEAMS lol, not rocket science.

Then you threw another hissie fit when you weren't allowed to be called the Jets, so much so that the league finally caved and threw you a bone. But then you needed a new logo cause "the old one looked way to 80's" well I got news for ya, the new one looks like it's from the 70's.

So you finally got a team, what was your first marketing ploy? "Well we don't wanna sell jersey's yet, gotta make our fans wait TROLLOLOLLL, so instead let's force 'em to buy $30 t-shirts" That's just plain mean.

But hey, the fans are CANADIAN, sureley they'll show us all why we're the classiest country in the world, and how you're actually supposed to support a team. Surley they won't be vulger like those American's who booed the Canadian Anthem in Boston last year, when the fans of Montréal gave the American one a standing ovation...... Ooops I think I have that backwards.

But the one good thing you did, was prove to the world, that just by taking a terrible team and moving it to a terrible city, doesn't instantly make it a cup contender.

#mocked

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Old
03-27-2012, 12:13 PM
  #22
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Since the Flyers have already been claimed:



What do Roberto Luongo, Todd Bertuzzi, and Zdeno Chara have in common? Genetic disorders predisposing them to mental retardation, of course. But there's another answer - they all once played for you. And what happened? A midget with the hockey IQ of a jar of spoiled mayonnaise traded them all for scraps. Sure you may have a bright future but in what city? You're the team that gave Rick DiPietro a 15-year contract that he's yet to be fully healthy for a single season of. You're the team that thought it'd be a good idea to stick the Gorton's Fisherman on your jerseys. You're the team that plays in a major media market that's the financial hub of the Developed world - and you can't throw together a proposal to get a new arena if your lives depended on it. Even a backwoods no-account hole like Quebec City has it more together than that. And then to cross-promote yourselves with other NY teams you put out a third jersey that has been widely panned as the most vomit-inducing jersey on the market today. And don't even get me started on adding those four stripes to your logo to remind us of the former Islanders legacy. Your glory days were 30 years ago. I'd say your the Edmonton Oilers with a "Lawngisland" accent but even they've been to a Cup finals in recent memory.

New York Islanders, consider yourselves mocked.

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Old
03-27-2012, 12:18 PM
  #23
Carolinas Identity
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You know how everyone makes fun of the Leafs for what they gave up to get Kessel? Let's examine a fellow named Olli Jokinen for a second. Firstly, you traded Mathew Lombardi, Brandon Prust and a 1st (Brandon Gormley) for a 3rd and Olli. Prust was later traded back for Jim Vandemeer. Then you traded him, along with Prust again, to the Rangers for Chris Higgins and Ales the Albatross. Then after that season, you signed him... AGAIN. And that's not even counting the fact the Cammalleri wanted to sign, but because of Olli (Hereafter refered to Trolli, cause he's amazing at it) you didn't have the room. So what did ya do? Your the Flames, and you only want spare parts on the decline cause they might help you survive as the 8th spot. So you played coy for a few years, and laid low then all of a sudden BAM. One of your only prospects (Holland) your 2nd NEXT year, cause you already traded this years one, and a respectable goal scorer with size on a decent contract (Borque) for a goalie who will never see the light of day, a 5th and a one dimensional smurf making over 3m more.

Now, obviously this is a team full of grade A super talent, so as such, we need to give them all No Movement Clauses, or risk losing them, cause evey other team in the league is envious of our position? You know, being right at the cap ceiling, and 11 guys who can't be traded cause of their contracts.

Our top line feautres Matt Stajan (jealous much?), who along with Blake Comeau, Roman Horak and Jokinen make us the deepest team at center in the league. And don't forget, we have a 35 year old winger whose only means of scoring is to stand at the top of the circle in a slap shot position and wait for a one timer.

I know we haven't made the playoffs in 3 years, or won a series in 8, but give or take a 3rd line winger this team has been identical for the same amount of time, so naturally we'll eventually get over the hump. What is it they say? The definition of Brilliance (or is it insanity, I forget?) is to keep doing the same thing and expect a different result.

PS - you also get one last mock for useing this as a logo.



Every time I look at that I get the feeling it was designed by someone in Edmonton.

#mocked

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Old
03-27-2012, 12:28 PM
  #24
Lazyking
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The Flames kinda remind me of the Canes lol.

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Old
03-27-2012, 12:29 PM
  #25
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Someone should "accidently" link this to the main board just for giggles

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