Whilst engaging in some spring cleaning of emails, a few old-but-good ones to share... YMMV... FWIW...
A lady walks into a tattoo parlor. She's been told that the artist is the best. Being a HUGE Wayne Gretzky fan, she requests that he put Wayne's face on her right inner thigh. After an hour of work, the artist finishes and shows the lady her work, "This doesn't look anything like Gretzky," she says. He takes out a picture of Wayne and compares them... "See, they look just alike." The lady does not agree. So, the artist agrees to do Wayne on the other thigh for free.
She comes back the next day to have her left thigh done. He does the tattoo and excitingly shows to her. "This one doesn't look like Wayne Gretzky either!" The artist insists that this one is identical to the picture of Wayne that she brought. To solve the debate, the artist calls his friend, a huge hockey fan, over to decide. The friend comes over and the lady lifts her dress to show the tattoos. "Hmmm, I'm not sure who the wingers are, but the center is definitely Lanny McDonald."
Last edited by Blind Gardien: 05-28-2004 at 03:34 PM.
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists,breaking the dogs neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident,and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either for the Leafs or Jays fan. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little French ******* from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet.
Last edited by Blind Gardien: 05-28-2004 at 04:30 PM.
NHL VP Colin Campbell recently decided to try using a lie detector to help him settle league disciplinary issues. As a test, he brought it onboard a Leafs flight to New York. McCabe hooks himself up and says, "I think we have the best defense in the league." Immediately the detector goes off. Belfour hooks himself up and says, "I think I'm the best goalie in the game." Immediately the lie detector goes off. Sundin hooks himself up and says, “I think I deserved to win the MVP this year.” Immediately the lie detector goes off. Domi steps up and says, "I think.." and immediately the lie detector goes off.
--
Q: How many Leafs fans does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you like, they will never see the light
--
As Tie Domi’s wife was trying on her new fur coat, her friend said to her "Do you realize how much some poor dumb beast had to suffer so you could have that coat?"
Mrs. Domi retorted, "How dare you speak about my husband like that!"
So this hockey fan dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates to show him inside, where he is delighted to find that heaven is full of hockey rinks and never-ending pickup games to play. At the end of the tour, they walk by one rink with only one guy skating around, making some nifty moves. "Who is that?" asks the hockey fan.
"Oh..." St. Peter sighs, "that's God, but he thinks he's Bobby Orr."
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"
The neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."
A Habs fan, a Leafs fan and a Bruins fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of alcohol. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the alcohol, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Bruins fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Bruins fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Leafs fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Leafs fan crying.
The Canadiens fan was the last one up (he had finished off thecrate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You support the greatest team in the world, your city has the best and most loyal hockey fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness", the Habs fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.
"Tie the Leafs fan to my back so he can get his ass whooped again."
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some ******* wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No ****??? Who did she play for?"
After the appocalypse wayne grettzky, saku koivu and mario lemiuex r standing in fornt or gods throne. God first asks saku what makes u think that u deserve to get into heaven? Koivu replies well i entertained ppl and made them happy and inspired them wiht my great determination and leadership. God replies ur right and opens the gates for mr koivu. He then turns and askes mario lemieux. Why do u htink i should allow u into heaven. Lemieux replies i entertained millions with my abilities and payed to my potential using all the skills u gave me. God nods his head and opens the gate for mario lemieux. He then truns to Wanye gretzky and asks What do u think? Gretzky replies I think ur in my seat!!
A Habs fan, a Leafs fan and a Bruins fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of alcohol. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the alcohol, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Bruins fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Bruins fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Leafs fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Leafs fan crying.
The Canadiens fan was the last one up (he had finished off thecrate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You support the greatest team in the world, your city has the best and most loyal hockey fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness", the Habs fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.
"Tie the Leafs fan to my back so he can get his ass whooped again."
A Habs fan, a Leafs fan and a Bruins fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of alcohol. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the alcohol, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Bruins fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Bruins fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Leafs fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Leafs fan crying.
The Canadiens fan was the last one up (he had finished off thecrate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You support the greatest team in the world, your city has the best and most loyal hockey fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness", the Habs fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.
"Tie the Leafs fan to my back so he can get his ass whooped again."
Thanks for posting this...I've seen it before and have been searching for this joke for about 5 years now...
THE OFFICIAL CANADIAN TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART
Saturday, February 14, 2004 "The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart "
50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)
American water freezes
Canadian water just gets thicker.
-0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have their last BBQ of the season.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat.
The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in
absolute misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two
Canadians.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"
The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."
*Why can't you order water in a toronto restaurant??
Cause all the cups are in Montreal!!
**How many leafs does it take to screw in a litebulb??
4, one to do the job, and tie domi, pat quinn, and darcy tucker to scream that if the ref would've done his job the light wouldn't have gone out in the first place.
Edit: It would also be the top story on TSN Sportscentre, even if there was a SC finals game the same day.
*** Why does Hamilton always get rejected for an NHL team??
Cause then they'd have to give one to toronto too.
Last edited by Beakermania*: 05-29-2004 at 01:50 PM.
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"
The neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."
holy shiznit that's funny! I nearly fell off my exercise bubble :lol
*Why can't you order water in a toronto restaurant??
Cause all the cups are in Montreal!!
**How many leafs does it take to screw in a litebulb??
4, one to do the job, and tie domi, pat quinn, and darcy tucker to scream that if the ref would've done his job the light wouldn't have gone out in the first place.
Edit: It would also be the top story on TSN Sportscentre, even if there was a SC finals game the same day.
*** Why does Hamilton always get rejected for an NHL team??
Cause then they'd have to give one to toronto too.
:lol the toronto restaurant joke was a good one :lol
thx blind gardien those jokes are hilarious!
