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Anton Dubinsky's Guide to the League and the Universe

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Old
08-22-2011, 09:28 PM
  #26
semin4captain
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11 (West). Phoenix Coyotes

Mike Smith, Jason LaBarbera. Next.

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Old
08-22-2011, 09:31 PM
  #27
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But they've got Pogge

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Old
08-22-2011, 09:33 PM
  #28
BigBrown
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Beautiful.

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Old
08-22-2011, 09:52 PM
  #29
tarheelhockey
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But they've got Pogge
Whoa, hang on, back up the bus. This changes everything.

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Old
08-22-2011, 09:55 PM
  #30
semin4captain
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11 (East). Carolina Hurricanes

The only thing more annoying than using injuries and second half-records to justify overly optimistic predictions is using patterns. You see, over the last nine seasons the Hurricanes have made the playoffs, missed the playoffs twice, made the playoffs, missed the playoffs twice, made the playoffs, missed the playoffs twice. Therefore, if the pattern is followed then they will make the playoffs this season.

EXCUSE ME, BUT THAT IS ****ING RIDICULOUS.


"They will make the playoffs because they missed the playoffs the last two seasons" is like saying "Chad LaRose will score 30 goals this season because he scored 15 and 10 goals the last two seasons." No, stop it.

You quickly see why such ridiculous claims are made when you look at Carolina's roster, which is a total joke.

Last season they couldn't win face-offs, so they sign a 4th line center who is decent at face-offs. How does this solve the issue of the top three centers (one of whom isn't even a center, LMAO) not being able to win face-offs? Answer: it doesn't.

Last season they had a terrible powerplay, so they replace Joe Corvo with Tomas Kaberle. An upgrade in powerplay abilities (unless you are a Bruins fan whose entire knowledge of Joe Corvo is based upon looking at a shirtless picture of him and deciding that because he has a nice build that he "engages physically", in which case it will be amusing to see him become your whipping boy five games into the season), sure, but like the case of Tim Brent, it really doesn't solve the problem. You don't really have any other defenseman other than Kaberle with proven powerplay abilities, and you sure don't have more than a handful of forwards who even belong in the NHL, let alone within ten miles of a first powerplay unit. All of your offensive forwards are left-handed. And they are all divers.

On defense, the Hurricanes were terrible defensively last season and really haven't improved in that area at all, though I guess there is some argument that the defense should be better because Tomas Kaberle isn't a ****ing ****** like Joe Corvo and the defense was slightly better after Allen/Joslin were acquired last year, though being "slightly better" than "completely abysmal" isn't really all that difficult (unless you are Chad LaRose).

Then there's Brian Boucher. Boucher is said to be able to start 20-25 games and stop Cam Ward (who is a diver) from wearing out. He should be able to do both things, but here's the issue: Ward *didn't* wear out last season. He was excellent down the stretch (before choking in Game 82 for the second time in four years; "clutch"). I fully believe that this will help the team in the long term, but compared to last season I don't see it doing much. Having 72 games of excellent Ward and 10 games of absolutely ****ing terrible Justin Peters gives you better goaltending than 57 games of excellent Ward and 25 games of "meh" Boucher. For a team whose skaters do not inspire much confidence, they need the best goal tending they can get and that's not it.

Basically, the Hurricanes have made a series of small improvements. In theory, this would be enough to make the playoffs as they only missed the 8th seed by one point (for the second time in four years, LMAO) if not for one thing:

THE HURRICANES ARE THE LUCKIEST TEAM ON EARTH AND THEY ARE DIVERS.

Who got hurt last season? Other than Tim Gleason's "serious injury" that did not require him to miss any games or have offseason surgery and appears to have simply been fabricated by delusional 'Canes fans trying to excuse Gleason's abysmal play, nobody got hurt. Even for the luckiest team ever, suffering zero injuries on course to winning the Cup while the other team is forced to play Mike Card and then going through an entire regular season without a single injury is a sign that luck is about run out.

And it will.


Last edited by semin4captain: 08-22-2011 at 10:02 PM.
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Old
08-22-2011, 10:03 PM
  #31
Anton Dubinchuk
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Making me lol

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08-22-2011, 10:05 PM
  #32
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Come on now, it's not like you to miss something so glaringly obvious. The Canes did suffer injuries last year. Granted, the biggest was Jokinen during mid-Feb and he really only missed 3-4 games during that stretch, but that's still more than "without a single injury".

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08-22-2011, 10:05 PM
  #33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anton Dubinsky View Post
goatlending is hopeless at best
Did they sign Leighton as their starter?

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08-22-2011, 10:14 PM
  #34
Stephen Goalbert
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anton Bomb View Post
Come on now, it's not like you to miss something so glaringly obvious. The Canes did suffer injuries last year. Granted, the biggest was Jokinen during mid-Feb and he really only missed 3-4 games during that stretch, but that's still more than "without a single injury".
McBain missed 6 games in March. We're due for an injury-free season

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Old
08-22-2011, 10:15 PM
  #35
Brock Anton
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Mike Card in the 06 playoffs > Joe Corvo

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Old
08-22-2011, 10:18 PM
  #36
Stephen Goalbert
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Mike Card in the 06 playoffs > Joe Corvo
We certainly noticed Corvo more, and not in a good way.

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08-22-2011, 10:19 PM
  #37
tarheelhockey
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Don't forget that Pitkanen played with a headache that one time.

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08-22-2011, 10:24 PM
  #38
Brock Anton
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Headache? I thought he had a boo-boo on his finger?

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Old
08-22-2011, 10:26 PM
  #39
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Quote:
Originally Posted by geehAAB View Post
Did they sign Leighton as their starter?
Jean-Marc Pelletier

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Old
08-23-2011, 12:20 AM
  #40
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anton Dubinsky View Post
And since their goatlending is hopeless at best, the Oilers must then focus on the next most commonly used excuse: the young guns.
Quoted for Goat Lending. Unintentional? Yes. Incredible? Double yes. Keep these coming

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Old
08-23-2011, 07:50 AM
  #41
dmonk
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thanks man! i'm enjoying this. This is definitely should be a sticky thread and used as a reference as season progresses.


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Old
08-23-2011, 08:55 AM
  #42
halleJOKEL
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This team rises and falls with Chad. Get the right guys playing with him. When they hear they get to play with Chaddy, they will pick up their play. Being on Chad's line is a good thing.

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Old
08-23-2011, 09:16 AM
  #43
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Kudos for geighness.

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Old
08-23-2011, 06:27 PM
  #44
semin4captain
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10 (West). Detroit Red Wings

Let's be reality: despite winning the Norris Trophy last season, Nicklas Lidstrom was a total pylon defensively. Nobody can tell me that someone who is scored on nearly three times per sixty minutes at even strength deserves a Norris Trophy, and that includes Duncan Keith in case you think I am being biased. The NHL awards are a terrible joke (see Jay Mohr) and ninety percent of hockey journalists are no more intelligent than the average HFBoards poster, which is disturbing considering most of HF has yet to graduate from middle school.

Other than the overrated Lidstrom, the Red Wings boast the overrated Brad Stuart, the overrated Niklas Kronwall and the overrated Ian White. It's quite disappointing that James Wisniewski did not make his way to Detroit, because we could have seen the biggest ratio of hype to actual results from any defensive group in NHL history. Every year the Red Wings are below average in goals against, but that's just the fault of their goaltenders--the same goaltenders they hilariously suggest should wind up in the HHOF or win the Calder (I have a funny joke: Q-Should Chris Osgood be in the HHOF? A-Yes! HAHAHAHAHAH!).

Pavel Datsyuk deserved the Selke despite not being a regular penalty killer, but Lidstrom deserved the Norris over Visnovsky because Visnovsky was not a regular penalty killer. And Datsyuk didn't need to kill penalties because the Red Wings had the 17th best PK and couldn't have used the help. He was too busy shutting down opposing forwards (along with Lidstrom, of course) to the tune of the 23rd-best goals against in the league and the 17th-best shots.

Not satisfied with having a league-leading nineteen grossly overrated players, the Wings signed Mike Commodore. Originally drafted by Peter Laviolette in the 9th round of the 2005 draft, Mike Commodore was paired with Aaron Ward and totally shut down Ovechkin in the '06 Conference Finals. From there, Mike established himself as one of the best shutdown defensemen in the game before Paul Maurice took over and promptly traded him for Joni Pitkanen. After making the playoffs and boasting a sterling defensive record in each season with Commodore, the Hurricanes have failed to qualify for the playoffs since and Chad LaRose is awesome (SOURCE: Official Carolina Hurricanes Facebook Page).

The Wings will miss the playoffs for the first time since (too lazy to Google year) and there will be joyous trolling on HF.


Last edited by semin4captain: 08-23-2011 at 06:39 PM.
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08-23-2011, 06:36 PM
  #45
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08-26-2011, 10:41 AM
  #46
alpa
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Is that it? I wanted more.

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08-27-2011, 12:13 AM
  #47
Ollie Weeks
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The anticipation of Anton Dubinsky's next release rivals that of Chinese Democracy.

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Old
08-27-2011, 12:54 AM
  #48
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This is easily the best thread on the boards right now.

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08-27-2011, 01:56 AM
  #49
semin4captain
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10 (East). Toronto Maple Leafs

A year ago today, James Reimer was so irrelevant that not even Toronto Maple Leafs fans flooded the main, trade, and prospects forums to pimp him as they did Nazem Kadri, Anton Stralman, Justin Pogge, Jiri Tlusty, Viktor Stalberg, Alex Steen, Chris DiDomenico, Kyle Wellwood, Carlo Colaiacovo, every prospect they ever drafted, every player they ever traded forr and whatever useless NCAA free agents (or "free wallets" as three-year olds call them) they signed.

Now, he is the single reason why a team that by strange coincidence resembles every Toronto Maple Leafs team since the lockout is going to make the playoffs. You see, the Leafs had an awesome second-half record last year and it's not like they've ever done that only to disappoint fans from the Center of the Hockey Universe.

On the backend, the Leafs boast a Top 5 defense for the sixth consecutive year. Every since the Leafs signed Pavel Kubina to complement the studly top pairing of Tomas Kaberle and Bryan McCabe, the Leafs would have boasted a sterling defensive record had it not been for a laundry list of convenient scapegoats.

I often wonder how allegedly "great" defensemen become "great" despite both their selves and their teams being a complete mess defensively every year, and I have the answer: despite all the talk their "passion" and "knowledge", it turns out that Canadian hockey fans are just as ******** as Southern hockey fans. Much like the cases of Tim "I ****ing suck at hockey, please trade me" Gleason and Joe "I don't hit anyone except women" Corvo, fans become enamored with players just by hearing their names a lot via broadcasts and advertising (both of which are actually the same thing, hello Tripp Tracy). Individual and team performances don't matter: simply existing is good enough. On bad teams, a "good player" often isn't actually good--he is merely not as bad as the rest of the team. And when the typical hockey fan watches between zero and one hockey games a year in which their favorite team is not taking part in, it's hard to have any sort of real perspective. From there, the forces of homerism and generations of inbreeding take over and Tim Gleason is a top-pairing shutdown defenseman and Dion Phaneuf is a surefire Norris candidate. The "Dion Phaneuf is good" claim just becomes more valid than the "Tim Gleason is semi-tolerable" because Leafs fans vastly outnumber Hurricanes fans and thus boast superior HF Main Board Flooding Powers and Pompous ********* Journalist numbers.

The big news of the offseason for the Maple Leafs was acquiring Cody Franson and Matthew Lombardi. An epic fleecing for the centuries, the Leafs used their financial muscle to steal a bottom-pairing defenseman and a $3.5M/yr third line center who missed all of last season with a concussion. Making this an even bigger event for "Leafs Nation" was that Maple Leafs Scapegoat #673,594 Brett Lebda was headed the other way.

Leafs fans who aren't busy posting about Nikolai Kulemin in every section on HF like to tell us of a story that occurred last season when Brett Lebda went -3 in a 9-3 win against The Future Winnipeg Jets. "BRET LEBDERP IS SO BAD LOL, HE WENT -3 IN A 9-3 WIN, LOL KULEMIN+2ND FOR STALL?" and variations of it have been posted several thousand times since this pivotal moment in history, but here's what they don't tell you: The Leafs scored five powerplay goals and and the Jets none, which meant the score in terms of goals affecting +/- was actually 4-3. But "Bret Lebda was -3 in a game in which his team scored four even strength goals and allowed three. That's a fairly bad performance, but not particularly notable and I won't be mentioning it again. Jesse Blacker for a conditional 5th round pick?" does not sound as awful.

Up front, the Leafs plan to ice a "top line" of Tim Connolly, Phil Kessel and Joffrey Lupul. No, that doesn't look like a line that will be exploited defensively by opposing coaches for as long as they are together, why do you ask? The second line was actually pretty decent last year, and since we're dealing with the Hockey Mecca it has therefore been dubbed one of the best lines in hockey over the past ten years, up there with the legendary Ponikarovsky-Sundin-Antropov, Tucker-Stajan-Wellwood, and Kilger-Devereaux-Belak lines that led the Leafs to glory.

With such a miserable group of "forwards", it's a good thing that the Leafs can rely on the aforementioned Top 5 defense to win up to thirty-five hockey games next year. John-Michael Liles should effectively replace Kaberle (note to self: go back in time to a year ago, make same statement to Leafs fans, immediately transport self back to present time to avoid lynching), so Leafs fans are understandably excited about having basically the same crap defense as they did last year. Factor in "a healthy Dion Phaneuf returning to Norris form", "a rebound year from Mike Komisarek", and "the second coming of Christ", the Leafs should be set to carry on their tradition of superb defensive hockey and playoff appearances.

Until Reimer fails and it is all his fault.


Last edited by semin4captain: 08-27-2011 at 02:15 AM.
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Old
08-27-2011, 02:15 AM
  #50
Blueline Bomber
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These last two have been less "funny because it's true" and more "bitter old man in the home".


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